


Liability

by That_stupid_girl



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Gen, Happy ending though, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Gets a Hug, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Self-Harm, honestly it's just all my angsty thoughts about Lena in one fic, projecting? me? always
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 18:23:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15078980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_stupid_girl/pseuds/That_stupid_girl
Summary: "Lena Luthor knows she’s not the easiest person to be friends with. She’s always been a little much—a little too high-strung, a little too academic, a little too distant, a little too gay, a little too rich—for anyone to handle for long. She’s always been a bit of a liability to be friends with, at least as far as her family and acquaintances were concerned."orThe one where Lena learns what it means to have people care about her, complete with late-night Thai food, teenage games, and a lot of pining.





	Liability

**Author's Note:**

> y'all good lord this is honestly a mess and it's very long, i know. but i wanted it to be one piece so here it is? the ending's kind of weird and abrupt, but i will admit i was totally ready for this to be finished.
> 
> the title and really kind of the whole idea is from "liability" by lorde. obviously the characters don't belong to me and all mistakes are mine, blah blah blah.
> 
> i will also admit that i spent a disproportionate amount of time figuring out birthdays, astrology signs, and colleges for all these characters even though it was completely unnecessary to the story. also, even though it's not what's in the show and she doesn't look anything like jenna dewan, i love amy adams too much for anyone else to be my lois lane.

Lena Luthor knows she’s not the easiest person to be friends with. She’s always been a little much—a little too high-strung, a little too academic, a little too distant, a little too gay, a little too rich—for anyone to handle for long. She’s always been a bit of a liability to be friends with, at least as far as her family and acquaintances were concerned. And then Kara Danvers walks into her office with Clark Kent. Kara Danvers has every reason to hate her, even more than most people, and yet… she doesn’t. For as much time as Lena spends agonizing over her interactions with Kara, it really is that simple.

They’ve been acquaintances for over four months—not that Lena’s counting or anything—when Kara invites her to a game night at her apartment after finishing an interview with Lena on influential women in National City. Lena says yes immediately—because apparently that’s what you do when you’re in love with people—and, to put it simply, freaks the fuck out.

It’s not any one thing, really, just that she has no idea what to wear, and she doesn’t really own moderately casual clothes since she’s really never had any use for them, and she hasn’t _really_ met any of Kara’s friends except for Detective Sawyer when she arrested Lena, and she is horribly bad at making friends. But other than that, she’s totally cool.

(She leaves work early to stop by a liquor store and go to the mall and ends up in American Eagle. She buys two pairs of jeans—one black, high-waisted, and basically skin tight, the other looser and a dark blue—and a nice long-sleeve t-shirt, as well as a nicer top and a pair of socks, though the socks are only because she likes them. She obviously owns normal socks already.)

She drives herself to Kara’s, bags from the mall in the front seat. She’s in the black jeans and the dark red t-shirt, along with some black ankle boots and a coat that’s probably a little too expensive, but she can’t stop worrying that what she’s wearing is somehow wrong. It’s like boarding school weekends all over again, but worse because she actually likes these people.

She’s a little early on purpose, and there’s still twenty minutes until seven when she gets to Kara’s apartment, and so she parks on the street about half a block down and proceeds to sit in her car. Everything is going fine until she notices Alex and Maggie walking toward Kara’s, and therefore toward Lena, sitting alone in her car. Trying to ignore the pounding of her heart, she sinks lower into her seat, hoping they won’t notice her. Since she’s Lena Luthor, however, and has the _worst_ luck, they obviously do. She’s not sure which of them actually sees her, since she’s very studiously avoiding looking in their direction, but soon Maggie is tapping on Lena’s passenger window, a confused smile on her face. Lena’s face burns as she rolls down the window.

“Nice Lexus, Little Luthor,” Maggie says. Lena’s face burns darker.

“I— Thanks,” she mutters, because telling them that it’s environmentally friendly just seems stupid.

“Were you planning to come inside?” Alex asks her, one eyebrow raised. Lena can’t help but sink deeper into her seat. She feels like a stupid child.

Before Lena can answer, however, Alex notices the shopping bags in her front seat, as well as the discarded tags from what Lena’s currently wearing. She raises her other eyebrow, too.

“Did you go shopping just for this?” Alex asks, absolutely incredulous. Lena lowers her head. “Holy shit! You totally did,” Alex laughs. Lena’s not sure if it’s actually malicious or not, but she knows Kara’s friends—Kara’s sister—aren’t her biggest fans, and it makes her skin crawl.

“Please don’t make fun of me,” she whispers, and it makes her want to vomit, how pathetic she sounds. Alex stops immediately, though, eyebrows drawing together. Lena sees Maggie’s face do the same.

“Hey,” Maggie says. “We’re just teasing you. I’m sorry. Do you want to come inside?” Her voice has changed entirely, and it’s a lot more reminiscent of Lena’s interaction with Maggie as a cop, a lot more placating and calm. Lena nods, biting down hard on her lip to keep her eyes from watering. This is so incredibly embarrassing, she can’t even believe it.

Alex and Maggie wait for Lena to step out of her car and grab the bottle of wine she bought, but Lena sees them exchange a look as she stands up and closes the door. It’s not mean, but Lena doesn’t like it, anyway. God, this whole evening is feeling an awful lot like high school.

None of them even attempt smalltalk as they walk into Kara’s building and wait for the elevator. Lena’s immeasurably glad. As nervous as she is, Lena feels herself relax, slightly, the second she lays eyes on Kara. It’s a little pathetic, really, but Lena can’t bring herself to care. Kara pulls Lena in for a hug, and when they break apart, Lena sees Maggie watching them, something a little mischievous in her eyes.

The game night goes well, all things considered. James is more than a little chilly toward Lena, but, after the car incident, Alex’s opinions on her seem to have neutralized, and Winn is downright thrilled to meet her. Lena’s not sure she’d count the night as a _win_ , per se, but it’s not as much of a disaster as she thought it would be when she stepped through Kara’s door.

They eat pizza and drink beer and Lena’s wine, and Lena manages to eat a piece of pizza in a room full of people without feeling like she’s going to die. It’s a small and admittedly pitiful victory, but Lena’s still recovering from an eating disorder and it’s a lot different than eating lunch with just Kara. Still, the evening goes well, and Lena finds herself surprised by how nice it feels to hang out with people.

The biggest surprise of the night is Lucy Lane. The surprise of Lucy isn’t anything about her personality—she acts exactly like a Lane, as far as Lena’s concerned—but rather her existence as a person. Lena’s always known Lois has a sister, but it’s strange to put a face to the idea of it, and Lucy is so… Well, she’s a little like Lois in the way she controls a room, but Lena gets the feeling she’d rather not hear that now, at least not from Lena.

When she leaves that night, she has all of Kara’s friends' numbers in her phone. It makes her feel like someone’s replaced her blood with champagne and she tries not to dwell on it.

 

At work the next day, Jess brings her a copy of the article for which Kara had interviewed her. It’s a joint piece by Kara and two other reporters, and Lena reads through the whole thing, feeling proud to be included in the list of ten women—including another CEO, a chef, and two politicians—that Lena can one hundred percent admit are powerful and kind and good. God, Lena loves women—as both a feminist and a lesbian.

Jess stays in the room as Lena reads through the article, and when Lena looks up at her, unable to keep a smile off her face, Jess looks proud.

“Speaking of women,” Jess says, glancing down at her clipboard, “you need a new CFO.” Lena raises an eyebrow.

“And what does that have to do with women?” Jess raises an eyebrow back.

“Really, Lena? You think that I think you’ll hire a man?” Lena can’t help but laugh at that. “Not trying to be sexist or anything, but most of Lex’s board and higher-ups were men and we saw how well that went.”

“You’re not wrong,” Lena says. “I actually have someone in mind. I’ll call her myself.” Jess marks something on her clipboard.

“I knew it would be a woman,” she says as she leaves the room. Lena picks up her phone—her personal one—and scrolls through her contacts. The line rings four times, and Lena almost thinks she’ll have to leave a voicemail, which would probably be a disaster; Lena doesn’t even like phone calls in general, but there’s something about leaving a voicemail that makes her feel so uncomfortably professional.

“Lena?” Sam says, and Lena breathes a sigh of relief.

“Hello to you, too,” she says, and hears Sam laugh through the phone.

“Sorry, wasn’t expecting you to call. What’s up?” Lena pauses for a moment.

“Are you against moving across the country?” she asks, instead of asking anything that would make any sense.

“Depends,” Sam says. “Are you offering me a job or is this just for emotional support?”

“Yes to both. I’m out a CFO and a friend.” She hears Sam’s sharp intake of breath, and smiles at the next question.

“Does that mean you have zero friends?”

“Fuck off.” She pauses. “I have one friend.” Sam laughs, then the line is silent for a moment.

“I— That’s a really important job, Lena. Are you sure you don’t want someone with more experience?” she asks. Lena sighs, tapping her fingers against her desk.

“I want someone I can trust not to ruin the company, and that means I want someone without ties to Lex. I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t think you could do it.” There’s almost a full minute of just Sam’s breathing, and Lena knows her well enough not to say anything else.

“I’d have to talk to Ruby,” Sam finally says. “California’s a long way from Boston.” Lena can’t help the smile that breaks out on her face.

“Of course. How is Ruby, anyway?”

“You’d know if you called more,” Sam says, and Lena almost apologizes despite the smile she can hear in Sam’s voice. “Kidding. I know you’re insanely busy, and I could’ve called, too. Ruby’s good. She’s in the seventh grade, now. She’s surprisingly into musical theater and I have no idea what to do about it.” Lena rolls her eyes.

“Musical theater is spectacular, Sam.”

“Sure, maybe if you’re a genius who’s good at everything. I, on the other hand, only know school, field hockey, and soccer. Completely out of my parenting comfort zone.” Lena hums in acknowledgement.

“You know,” she drawls. “There are great soccer _and_ musical theater opportunities in National City.”

“I know, Lena,” Sam laughs. “It’s a very nice city. I am aware. I’ll talk to Ruby today. I… I really appreciate the offer. My job here isn’t all that great and money’s a little tight,” she admits. “I’ll think about it.”

“Please do. I miss you, and I _know_ you’d be great for the job.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Lena.” She pauses. “How are you? Really.”

“I’m… I’m doing better than I thought I’d be, that’s for sure.”

“Good. I’ve been worried, you know. You’re one of my closest friends, even if you’re terrible at keeping in contact and talking about what’s bothering you.”

“Wow. You really do give the best compliments.”

“We both know it’s true, Lena.” Lena smiles at her desk. “I have to go, but I’ll let you know about the job as soon as I can.”

“Bye, Sam.”

“Bye-bye. Love you.”

“I love you, too.” Sam hangs up the phone, and Lena relaxes in her chair, texting Jess to let her know she talked to a candidate for the CFO job.

Later that night, right before Lena leaves the office, she gets a text from Sam that says, simply, _when do i start?_

 

Lena turns twenty-four on a Friday. Sam and Ruby have just moved into town, and though Ruby’s more than a little upset to switch schools less than a month into the semester, they both seem to be adjusting nicely.

(Lena even buys the two of them tickets to _Something Rotten!_ as a thank you, mostly to Ruby for being so accommodating. Ruby, apparently, won’t stop talking about the show, and Sam alternates between thanking Lena and complaining.)

Lena doesn’t plan to do anything special for her birthday—her birthday has always been far from the best day of the year—but apparently Sam, Kara, and Jess have other ideas. Sam talks to Jess, who talks to Kara, and the three of them plan a party at Sam’s place without telling Lena.

They do, however, seem to realize that a surprise party is _not_ something Lena would enjoy, and they tell her on Thursday. After a lot of embarrassed arguments from Lena, she finally agrees, and when she and Jess get to Sam’s the next night, all of Kara’s friends, Sam, Ruby, a few of Lena’s employees from the R &D department, J’onn, M’gann, and even Cat fucking Grant are there. Lena has to put an embarrassing amount of effort into not crying, and she’s sure that both Sam and Kara, if not literally everyone in the room, can tell.

They bring out a cake—a _vegan_ cake—that Kara and Alex both reluctantly admit is delicious, and though Lena’s really Not Good at eating cake and Sam watches her throughout the entire cake-related part of the evening, Lena loves it.

Later, she’s locked in a conversation about the ethics of genetic engineering with Alex, Winn, Sam, and Luke from R&D while she watches Kara talk to Jess and Amelia, also from R&D, across the room. Kara’s laughing at something Jess says, and though Lena realizes it’s probably some embarrassing story about her, she can’t help but smile adoringly at the way Kara’s face lights up.

She pulls herself back into the conversation and finds Sam watching her, a curious smile on her face. Lena also can’t help the way her face burns, and it only makes Sam’s smile grow.

 

Kara and Lena are in Lena’s office a week and a half later for a late lunch, first cancelled because Kara needed “to help Winn shop for a couch”—“I’m so sorry, Lena. His cat ruined the old one and he really needs my help.”—and then rescheduled when the “couch shopping”—really, Lena isn’t stupid; come _on_ —didn’t take as long as expected.

They’re eating take-out from a bistro down the street and Kara looks incredibly nervous. Lena’s not sure what’s going on, but it’s making her uncomfortable. She’s used to seeing Kara rambly, sure, but never downright _scared_ , not even when saving Lena from all those annoying assassination attempts.

Lena finishes her salad and sets the container down on the coffee table. As soon as she does, Kara takes a deep breath.

“I need to tell you something, Lena,” she says. “I haven’t been honest with you. I’ve been very not honest, actually, and— Oh gosh.” She stops for a moment, watching Lena’s eyes. “Lena, I’m Supergirl.”

Lena tries her best to act surprised, she really does, but she’s so relieved that it wasn’t something else, something about _Lena_ , about not wanting to be friends with her, that all she can think of to say is, “Yay!” She winces immediately after the word leaves her mouth. Kara stares at her.

“Oh gosh. You knew, didn’t you?” Kara steps away from her, adjusting her glasses.

“No! No, of course not,” Lena says; it sounds false even to her own ears. Kara stares at her. “Okay, yes. Fine. I knew.” Kara falls back onto Lena’s couch, dropping her face into her hands.

“Lena, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I just, at first Alex didn’t want me to, because she was worried about your family and because it’s a lot of paperwork for everyone and she didn’t even tell Maggie until they’d been dating three months and it’s such a liability for you to know, you know? Oh gosh. I’m so sorry. I _swear_ it had nothing to do with your family after the first few weeks. You just…

“You look at me like I’m Kara. Just Kara. I, I didn’t want that to change. But you already knew. How long have you known?” Lena’s moved closer throughout Kara’s rambled, unnecessary apology, and she gingerly places a hand on Kara's arm; she's not very good at comforting people. She pauses a little too long, probably, because Kara looks up at her, panicked. Lena grimaces.

“Lex had a lot of files on Superman,” she starts. “When I inherited the company, I read through all his research. I wanted to make sure there was nothing he’d set up to do any harm. I… I knew who Clark was when he came into my office, and, well, you said he was your cousin, and the glasses and hair really don’t do that much, darling, so…” She trails off, wincing slightly at the pet name she let slip from her lips. Kara wails dramatically, blushing more than Lena’s ever seen her blush.

“You don’t hate me?” Kara asks, and Lena can’t help but laugh at the sheer unlikeliness of that ever being the case.

“Sadly, I don’t think I ever could.” There’s a little too much sadness—or maybe just truth—behind that statement; she hopes Kara doesn’t notice. Kara stares at her for a moment, then pulls her into a tight hug.

“Do you still want to get dinner later?” Kara asks, once she’s pulled away. Lena checks the time on her watch, then nods.

“Yes. We might need to be a little quick, but of course.” Suddenly she realizes there’s probably paperwork she needs to sign now that Kara’s told her she’s Supergirl.

“Do I need to sign anything?” she asks, moving to collect her things. Kara doesn’t answer, and when Lena turns back to look at her, confusion is clear on her face.

“What? It's just dinner. What would I need you to sign?” she asks. Lena laughs.

“No, for Supergirl. Is there a nondisclosure agreement?” Kara’s eyes crinkle up.

“Oh. Yes, actually. As soon as you can. I’m really not supposed to tell people without running it by J’onn first,” she admits. “Pam in HR is probably gonna be pissed at me.” Lena smiles.

“I can come by the DEO that I’m not supposed to know about tomorrow? I think I’m free from about one to four.” Kara nods, laughing.

“I won’t be there, but I’ll tell Alex to expect you. If you text her she can get you in and everything. Actually,” she pauses, “I think you might have clearance.” Lena’s surprised to hear that, but not nearly as surprised as she would have been a year ago.

 

When Lena gets to the DEO the next day, Alex doesn’t smile at her, but she doesn’t glare either. Lena counts it as a win.

“Luthor,” Alex nods.

“Agent Danvers, thank you for taking the time to do this.” Alex scoffs.

“Please. We both know it’s largely my fault Kara didn’t tell you earlier.” Lena’s not at all sure what to say to that, because, really, what would be a good response? She doesn’t answer, opting to keep quiet and follow Alex through the DEO. Alex shows her the paperwork, and Lena tries her best not to groan at the sheer _amount_ of it.

(It’s not as bad as it looks, actually, and Alex is very good about showing her where she needs to sign and concisely explaining the pages and pages of text. She offers to let Lena take it home and look over it, but Lena’s surprised to hear herself tell Alex that she trusts her not to con Lena into signing her life away.)

When they’re done, Alex offers her hand for Lena to shake. She does, and it’s all very professional, but somehow that makes it feel even more personal to Lena, like she has Alex’s approval. Winn catches her on the way out to give her a hug—an awkward one, albeit—and a very enthusiastic, “Welcome to the Superfriends, Lena!”

 

After Kara tells Lena that she’s Supergirl, the two of them grow even closer and spend more time together, now that Kara has stopped with the ridiculous excuses for why she’s leaving. Unless she’s especially short on time, Lena has no problem waiting for Kara to return from whatever world-saving duty the day requires.

The downside—and it is a big downside, really—is that the extra time spent together and the trust Kara has placed in Lena makes the CEO fall more in love with her best friend. It’s a huge inconvenience, if she’s lying to herself, and a joy that makes shame curl in Lena’s chest, if she’s being honest. She hasn’t done the whole “falling for a straight girl” thing since high school, and it makes her feel like a child.

The more time they spend together, however, the less Lena’s sure that she is, actually, falling for a straight girl. It’s nothing in particular that Kara does, just a summation of her actions and anecdotes, and then one day, when Kara’s talking about Krypton and her life here on Earth, she tells Lena that part of the reason she dealt with Alex’s coming out so poorly was that the concept was completely foreign to her; on Krypton, sexuality wasn’t a thing—everyone was what humans would call pansexual—and Kara had assumed that if a human was gay they would have known it from birth. Lena does her best not to faint at the admission. She succeeds, but barely.

Kara not being straight does not improve Lena’s situation. Actually, it makes it worse. If Kara were straight, then, sure, Lena would feel every part the predatory lesbian friend, but since Kara isn’t, in fact, straight, it just means Lena’s fallen again for someone who will never love her, not because they can’t, but because Lena’s simply Lena, and a Luthor, and all at once a little much and not enough. It makes her want to hurt herself, actually, but she’s an adult (technically), so she drinks an entire bottle of wine and pretends that nothing’s wrong.

Besides, she’d rather have Kara as a friend than not have Kara at all. And really, having Kara as a friend is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. Kara continues to invite Lena to game nights, and Lena’s gotten much more comfortable around Kara’s friends. Kara’s even invited Sam a few times, and Jess once, and they all seem to get along with the others. Lena’s getting a little too used to walking around with a warm lightness in her chest, but she can’t seem to make herself care.

Kara’s scheduled another game night for Friday, and Lena finds that she’s more excited than nervous. She works through the day, stops for lunch with Kara, and leaves around eight to stop by her apartment to change; they’re not meeting at Kara’s until nine, since Lena’s a CEO with an insane workload and Lucy’s flight’s only getting in around seven and Maggie doesn’t get off work until 8:30.

It’s chilly for late March, and Lena pulls on a long jacket over her black skinny jeans and gray blouse before she leaves her apartment. She stops by a bakery that’s open late to pick up a couple boxes of donuts, and then by a liquor store to get a bottle of wine.

She and Winn are the first ones there, and Lena’s already heading toward tipsy by the time everyone has arrived. They play Pictionary, with Maggie as a ref so the teams are even, then give up on games for the night. Someone puts on music and they sit around Kara’s apartment, relishing the company of friends.

After a while of talking and laughing, some song that Lucy likes comes on. Lena doesn’t recognize the music, is actually pretty sure she’s never heard this song in her life, but Lucy asks them to turn it up, then tries to get James to dance with her.

“No thanks, Luce. I’ll look even worse than I actually am next to you,” he laughs. Lucy whines, getting up from her seat and trying to pull him away from where he’s leaning against the table. James refuses to budge.

“Kara?” Lucy asks, sticking her tongue out when the other woman simply shakes her head. She turns to Alex.

“No way, Lane. Not going to happen.” After Winn refuses as well, she turns to Lena.

“Come on, Luthor,” she says, and Lena’s pretty sure it would hold up in court as begging.

After a moment’s hesitation, Lena concedes, stepping up to meet Lucy, hands instinctively fitting themselves on the other girl’s shoulder and in her opposite palm, socked feet flat against Kara’s floor. Lucy raises her eyebrows, stepping into the position of leading, and pushing Lena into the first steps. James pushes Kara’s dining table closer to the wall to give the two women more space as they start to dance, Lena doing more leading despite their positions.

Lucy’s good—private lessons and military balls and all—and strong—again, the military—and she acts as a steady base, even though she’s a few inches shorter than Lena, as Lena whirls around, executing complicated footwork she didn’t think she remembered sober but apparently knows in her intoxication; she might be more drunk than she originally thought, if she’s willing to ~~make a fool of herself~~ dance in front of Kara’s friends.

When the song ends, Lena pushes herself out of a dip, panting and laughing to the applause of the other five in the room. She’s a bit out of shape, and tired after the combined drinking and dancing. Lucy slaps Lena’s ass as the younger woman makes her way to collapse on the couch. Lena blushes, but otherwise doesn’t react, settling in on the couch as Lucy laughs at her red face.

Lena vaguely registers Kara talking, then she, Winn, and James are leaving the apartment. Lena’s a little too drunk to wonder where they’re going, which means she’s drunk enough to miss Kara preemptively. Lucy takes a seat on the far end of the couch and pulls out her phone as Lena curls into her corner, watching Maggie, in the chair across from her, watch Alex leaning against the stove. Her stupid drunk brain supplies something about the way she watches Kara, and she frowns slightly, shaking her head as Maggie turns towards Lena.

“How’d you learn to dance like that?” Maggie asks, grinning. Lena shrugs, plucking her wine glass from the side table and curling her fingers around the stem.

“Lessons. I actually wanted to be a dancer when I was younger,” she says. “Or, more specifically, I wanted to be a scientist dancer who cured cancer and wrote books about friendship,” Lena adds, laughing. Alex looks shocked.

“Seriously?” she asks. Lena nods, taking a sip of her wine. “But that’s so… impractical. Did Lillian really let you do that?” Lena shrugs.

“For a while it was the whole rich kid thing. I took piano and did a bunch of theater stuff too. But I was pretty good. My instructors kept saying I could go pro if I tried. For contemporary especially, which is what I actually loved, but Mo— Lillian would only have let me do ballet or ballroom, so… Compromise, I guess,” Lena explains; it’s not as clear as she meant for it to be, but that’s the best her foggy brain can do right now. She smiles. She really misses dance, sometimes.

“Why’d you stop?” Alex asks, setting her beer behind her and crossing her arms over her chest. Lena shrugs again.

“Passed out in ballet when I was seventeen,” she says, just too drunk to realize that this isn’t a good conversation to be having with anyone besides her therapist. “Lillian pulled me from all six of my classes.” She drinks more wine, not noticing the way Maggie’s face draws tight with concern or Alex tenses up.

After a moment of semi-silence, Maggie asks, “Why’d you pass out?” Lena doesn’t notice the tension edging into her voice or the way all three women are watching her more closely than before.

“Why do most ballerinas pass out?” Lena laughs. “Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason.” She goes in for another sip of wine; with the glass halfway to her lips, the conversation catches up to Lena. She feels her mouth tighten and her jaw set, her body suddenly thrumming with dread.

“Oh god,” she says, setting her glass down and moving to get up. “I shouldn’t have—” she cuts herself off, her throat closing around the words. She needs to get out of there. Her fight response is as strong as the rest of her family’s, but as much as she’s a Luthor she’s also a runner, and her first instinct is always to flee; she can’t think further than that, right now. Her jacket’s by the door—it takes her a second to focus, but she sees it, black and probably too expensive. Yes. She just needs to take the jacket off the hook and put it on her body. It doesn’t seem to work as well as she’d hoped, but she can feel Alex, Maggie, and Lucy watching her.

“Lena,” Maggie starts, soft, and Lena tenses, her muscles tightening and joints locking. She spots her shoes beside the leg of the table before turning to face the women. She suddenly feels incredibly sober, or maybe just the wrong kind of drunk.

“I’m sorry,” she says before Maggie can continue, voice clipped into something professional that doesn’t quite fit right now, not with Lena more drunk than she’s been in weeks and embarrassed beyond belief. “I just remembered I have a meeting tomorrow morning for which I need to do business things. It’s a very early meeting. I need to leave from here, now. Please tell Kara I’m sorry that I had to dash. Good evening.” She plucks her shoes from the floor and hurries out into the hall, cringing at her horrendous phrasing as she repeatedly presses the button for the elevator.

As soon as the doors close behind her, she breathes out just slightly; Lena knows there’s cameras in the elevator, knows that she can’t afford to look anything beyond a little stressed and tipsy with her name and the money tied to it. After slipping her shoes onto her feet and zipping them up, she fumbles with her phone to order a Lyft. She doesn’t realize she’s starting to cry until the phone screen blurs beneath her fingers.

“Dammit,” she mutters. She takes a deep, shaky breath and leans her head back, waiting for her vision to clear. When it does, she goes back to her phone, and orders the car just as the elevator reaches the ground floor.

She picks up her pace, hurrying out of the lobby just in case someone has come after her; she’s not sure if anyone would have followed her—she’s not even sure if she wanted them to or not. She walks down the block to the corner, just as the gray Toyota pulls up to the curb.

When Lena gets to L-Corp—because really, when has Lena ever wanted to go home and face her emotions?—the building is mostly dark. There are two security guards in the lobby, but Lena’s glad to see that no employees appear to be working late into the night; it’s almost midnight by now, and even though Lena’s at the office, no one else should be.

“Miss Luthor,” one of the security guards greets her as she makes her way to the elevator.

“Ms. Okolo,” Lena nods, hoping she sounds neither too formal nor too drunk. “Mr. Johnson.” He raises a hand in greeting before turning back to the computer screens. Lena steps into the elevator.

As soon as she closes her office door behind her, Lena feels her entire body sag.

“God,” she whispers, wiping the tears that are starting to fall from her eyes, “maybe try being more of an idiot next time, Lena.” She shakes her head, letting out a watery laugh, and moves to open up the area behind her shelves. She steps through into the narrow space, opening a door and pulling out her favorite Harvard sweatshirt before continuing to her bathroom. After changing her shirt for the sweatshirt, she scrubs her makeup off, removes her contacts, and puts on her black glasses. It all makes her look too young—like a college student—and she hates it. She turns the light off and leaves the bathroom, drunk and emotional and tired enough to feel a little unsteady in her heeled shoes; she grabs another pair of shoes from her work closet before walking back into her office.

She slips off her ankle boots, rolling up the sleeves of her sweatshirt to mid-forearm as she makes her way to her liquor shelf. She pulls out a glass and grabs a few ice cubes from her freezer, then uncorks a bottle of scotch, pours more than she should, and downs the entire glass as she walks to her desk. She sets the cup down on the corner her desk, then picks up a stack of papers and a few pens.

She sits down, cross-legged and barefoot, on her rug, beginning to work through the stack. She’s always found an embarrassing sort of comfort working on the floor; it’s unprofessional and it makes her feel childish, but it’s comfortable and comforting, somehow. She pulls her hair back into a sloppy bun when it falls into her face, but otherwise keeps working; it’s better not to think about what she just told Kara’s friends.

The work is mundane enough that she’s able to understand it—she hopes, at least—drunk, and she only feels a bit more fuzzy as that last drink hits her.

 

Lucy and James head out just after twelve; Lucy’s exhausted from traveling and, well, she _has_ been gone a while. Winn stays for another twenty or so minutes, and Maggie and Alex leave Kara’s about an hour and a half after Lena. After Lena left, Maggie, Alex, and Lucy agreed not to say anything to Kara about Lena’s accidental admission, but it makes them all feel a little guilty; Kara looked completely crestfallen when she came back in to see Lena had left, and they _do_ care about Lena.

“You sure Lena’s alright?” Kara asks as Maggie and Alex head toward the door. Alex nods, schooling her face into something neutral.

“She’s fine, Little Danvers,” Maggie assures her. “You’ve been listening for her all night, haven’t you?” Kara drops her gaze but nods.

“She’s still at L-Corp,” she says, and Maggie smiles at the crease between her eyebrows.

“She said she had an important meeting tomorrow morning. I’m sure she’s fine.” Kara still doesn’t look convinced—and Maggie doesn’t blame her, really—so Maggie continues. “You should go to sleep, Kara. You’ll see her tomorrow for lunch, anyway.” Kara nods, clearly still a little worried, and pulls Maggie in for a hug. Maggie squeezes her tightly, then steps out of the way so Alex can hug her sister.

Alex doesn’t say anything until they get out of the elevator and are walking through the lobby, and then it’s only, “It’s almost one in the morning.” Maggie smiles; Alex is adorable, even if she’s ~~a little~~ drunk and not making much sense.

“Sure is, Danvers,” Maggie says, smiling. Alex shakes her head.

“No. I mean it’s almost one am. Lena shouldn’t still be at work.” Maggie squeezes Alex’s hand.

“I know.” She pauses as they step outside, the cool air making her shiver, as she weighs her options. Because they were drinking—Maggie’s only had a few beers, but still much too much to drive—, she and Alex were planning to get a car home, anyway, so neither of them have a car or bike here. “I think I’m going to go check on her,” Maggie says, glancing to Alex to gauge her reaction. Alex seems incredibly unsurprised.

“I thought you would,” she says. “Do you have money?” she asks. Maggie nods. They stand side by side as they wait for the cars. Maggie’s arrives first, and Alex kisses her, soft, before telling her to text her if she won’t be home soon. Maggie nods, climbing into the car and telling the woman she needs to go to L-Corp; she gets a weird look, but the woman’s a driver, so she, thankfully, doesn’t try to strike up a conversation about why Maggie’s going to a corporate headquarters at one in the morning.

The doors are locked when Maggie gets there; the Lyft hasn’t pulled away by the time Maggie goes to try them, and she can imagine what this woman is thinking. Maggie presses closer to the glass, making circles around her eyes to see inside. She sees a woman—a security guard, she’d presume—and knocks on the glass of the door. The woman looks up, confused, and walks over to the door, clearly wary of Maggie’s presence.

“May I help you?” she asks after unlocking and cracking open the door, hand at her hip.

“I’m here to see Lena,” Maggie says, not knowing what else she could possibly say. The corners of the woman’s mouth tighten.

“Past one? I’m sure.” Maggie’s not sure how she’s supposed to get into the building, so she does the only thing she can think of. She reaches for her pocket and sees the woman’s body tighten, hand gripping the gun at her hip.

“Wallet,” Maggie says, pulling it out and fumbling to show her the badge. “My name is Detective Maggie Sawyer. I’m not here to arrest Lena or anything,” she rushes to add when she sees the look on the woman’s face, “I’m just her friend and I’m worried I’ve upset her.” The woman still looks skeptical, but a little more at ease, maybe.

“I have a picture of us, from earlier tonight. I can show you?” The woman nods, still tense, and Maggie slowly pulls out her phone, unlocking it and going to show the security guard the pictures she has of Lena, Kara, and herself from their game of Pictionary. It’s Kara’s presence in the photos, though, that seem to assure the woman of Maggie’s relative safety.

“You’re friends with Kara Danvers?” she asks. Maggie nods, relieved.

“She’s my girlfriend’s sister.” The guard seems to relax a little—Maggie thinks it honestly might have a little to do with the “girlfriend” part of the statement—and opens the door wider for Maggie. She ushers Maggie into the building, locks the door back behind her.

Maggie’s not carrying, but lets the guard pat her down nonetheless, looking around the lobby while she does. She hasn’t been here when it’s so empty, and she takes in the dimly lit room and the man behind the front desk, eying her. It’s nice to know that Lena’s security team seems to actually care for her wellbeing. They eventually send her through with instructions on how to get to Lena’s office and Maggie thanks them.

“I’ll be watching you all the way up,” the man says. It’s a little creepy, but Maggie can tell it’s not meant to be; it’s only a threat, which is completely fair in the circumstance. “We have cameras throughout the whole building. There’s security everywhere.” Maggie nods, grateful that they take their jobs so seriously.

“I’ll unlock the doors for you,” he adds as Maggie waits for the elevator.

“Thank you.”

She heads up to Lena’s office, walking through the dark reception area and pausing at Lena’s door. She gives a soft knock, then pushes the door open, stepping inside. Lena, on the carpet in front of her ridiculous desk and looking as young as Maggie’s ever seen her, glances up, surprised. Maggie takes in the papers spread out around her, the pen clasped between her teeth, and the glass an inch or two full of amber-tinted water on the edge of her desk.

Lena, for her part, manages not to cry when she sees Maggie. She’s not sober, but she’s sober _enough_ to pull herself together at the older woman’s unexpected presence. She pulls the pen she’s been holding in her mouth away, looking around, embarrassed, at the state she and her office are in; only Kara and Jess have recently seen her this kind of casual.

“Detective,” she says. Maggie smiles at her, a little soft, and takes another step into the office.

“Do you want to go get something to eat?” Maggie asks, more casual than Lena could have hoped for. The question, still, is a little strange, and Lena’s sure it has everything to do with her embarrassing admission. She raises an eyebrow at Maggie from behind her glasses. The older woman shrugs, grinning a little sheepishly.

“I’m hungry!” she whines. “We didn’t really eat at Kara’s and I didn’t have much time for dinner at the precinct. We can do something else if you’d rather, but you shouldn’t be here so late and I’d like to talk to you.” Lena feels something in her chest drop at the phrase, but it doesn’t seem malicious, at least. She takes another look at the stacks of papers, more than a little unwilling to leave them, and then down at herself.

“I’m not really dressed for public,” she tells Maggie. Maggie laughs at that.

“Scared someone will discover that the formidable Lena Luthor wears glasses? Owns a single sweatshirt?” Maggie grins. Lena shrugs, glancing down at herself again. “You look fine, Lena,” Maggie adds. Lena still feels a little wary going out in public—even at almost two in the morning—in something like this, but Maggie’s not dressed much more nicely—tight jeans, a gray henley, ankle boots, and her leather jacket—so Lena concedes.

“Just let me…” she trails off, motioning at the papers spread out before her. She pushes herself up off the floor, collecting the papers and leaving them in two stacks on her desk. She takes the glass she left on the corner back over to the shelf, draining the scotch-infused water with a grimace. Maggie’s watching her from near the door, still smiling, as Lena grabs her jacket and, after a moment’s hesitation, slips her sock-clad feet into the black Birkenstocks she grabbed earlier.

“Nice shoes,” Maggie tells her as Lena crosses the office to meet her. Lena rolls her eyes.

“Sue me,” she says, making Maggie laugh. Lena slips her jacket on over her sweatshirt as she leads Maggie out of the office, flipping off the lights and locking the door behind them. She unlocks doors and hold them for Maggie as they head back to the lobby, Maggie trailing a few steps behind her.

When they’re outside L-Corp—Lena having said goodnight to the two guards on duty there and Maggie having given them a smile equal amounts smug and grateful—Maggie asks her what kind of food she’s feeling. Lena shrugs, feeling incredibly awkward.

“Whatever you want is fine,” she tells her. Maggie shakes her head slightly.

“Thai?” Maggie asks. “I know a twenty-four seven place with some great vegan options just a few blocks from here, and I could really go for some pad thai.”

“That sounds great.”

“You are vegan, right?” Maggie asks a moment after they start walking.

“Lapsed,” Lena says, squinting slightly. “Kara makes it difficult,” she admits. Maggie laughs.

“If you can’t say no to her,” Maggie mutters, clearly meant for Lena to hear. Lena’s face flushes.

“Hey!” Maggie raises her eyebrows at her. “I— oh, shut up,” Lena mumbles. Maggie pushes against her shoulder, smiling.

“I feel you, though,” Maggie says. “I’m more than a little lactose intolerant, so dairy is pretty much off the table for me, but I’ve pretty much gone back to eggs and all since moving in with Alex.”

Other than that, the walk to the restaurant is mostly quiet, and they are unsurprisingly the only ones there when they walk in. A waiter sitting at a table near the back springs up, showing them to a booth and placing down two menus.

“Do you two know what you’d like to drink?” he asks, eying Lena with a little more curiosity than she’d like.

“Just water, thanks,” Maggie says. He turns back to Lena.

“Jasmine tea and a water, as well.” He nods, then turns towards the kitchen, returning just a moment later with a glass of water in each hand. As he approaches the table, Maggie asks if she knows what she wants. When Lena nods, Maggie tells the waiter they’re ready to order. He scribbles down Maggie’s order of pad thai and Lena’s green curry, then leaves, returning with Lena’s cup of tea. Lena thanks him, clutching the warm cup between her hands. She places it on the table to shrug off her jacket, picking it back up immediately. She likes the warmth, and she’s adult enough to admit holding the mug eases her anxiety and helps to hide her trembling hands. God, she needs a Valium.

Maggie spends the minutes before their food comes telling Lena what happened after she left game night, and Lena can’t tell if she’s relieved that Maggie doesn’t seem to be mentioning her freakout. Lena slips her feet out of her shoes, pulling her legs up under her on the booth, which makes Maggie smile. Their food comes, and as Lena’s taking another sip of her tea, she sees Maggie aim her phone at her.

“What’re you doing?” she asks.

“Look, it’s cute,” she says, holding her phone out to Lena so she can see the picture Maggie’s taken of her through Instagram. Lena’s not sure she’d call it cute. Entirely unprofessional, sure, and she doesn’t look _bad_ , but she’s not sure about cute.

“Are you putting that on your story?” she asks.

“I won’t if you don’t want me to,” Maggie says, still looking at her phone. Lena shakes her head.

“No you can. I guess I don’t mind. It’ll probably end up some tabloid, though.”

“I can see it now,” Maggie says, sweeping her arm out as if to admire a headline. “Lena Luthor: She’s Just Like You. L-Corp CEO Owns at Least One Sweatshirt.” Lena laughs. Maggie first texts Alex, then Kara, to tell them she’s getting food with Lena and then they’re both going home, then posts the picture on her story and sets her phone down, digging into her food.

“So what’s with the Harvard sweatshirt?” Maggie asks. “You don’t seem the type to collect casual clothing, even from esteemed establishments.” Lena laughs through a mouthful of rice.

“No, I don’t, do I?” she smiles. “It’s hard to go to Harvard without acquiring at least one article of clothing, though.” Maggie’s eyebrows raise.

“I thought Kara said you went to MIT?” she asks. Lena feels herself beginning to blush.

“I did, but Harvard… grad school,” she says, a little awkward talking about her schooling.

“Grad school? Goddamn, Lena. You’re, what, twenty-four?” Lena nods, shrugging.

“I graduated high school when I was seventeen, then college at twenty. Taking summer classes was a lot more fun than going home,” she admits, shrugging again. “I finished my grad programs just last year, then moved here. It was nice to have something steady through all of the trial drama, even if mostly everyone stopped speaking to me.”

“Programs?” Maggie asks around a mouthful of noodles, holding her hand over her mouth.

“Bioengineering and business management,” she nods. Maggie’s eyes widen.

“Holy shit, Lena. You really don’t realize how impressive you are, do you?” Lena blushes under the praise, incredibly unused to it coming from anyone but Kara. She shrugs again, turning back to her food. It’s quiet for almost two minutes, before Lena sighs, deciding to just get it over with.

She takes a sip of her tea and, still clutching the mug a little too tightly, says, “You can ask, you know.” She can’t tell how Maggie’s looking at her because she can’t bring herself to raise her eyes, but when Maggie speaks it’s… Well, she doesn’t know what she was expecting, but probably not this.

“You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to, Lena,” Maggie says, firm and compassionate, “and I’m not going to pressure you into saying anything. I just want you to know that I am here if you _want_ to talk, and that you don’t have anything to be ashamed of.” She pauses, seeming to consider her next words. “And… None of us said anything to Kara or James or Winn, but with the way you left the apartment earlier, I just, I do want to make sure you’re, well, alright.” Though she’s blushing, Lena manages to smile at that.

“So you took me to get food in hopes you could see me eat and I’d bring up my eating disorder myself?” she asks, managing to hold Maggie’s gaze and not to flinch at the words. Maggie shrugs, a twinkle in her eye despite the topic.

“Hey, it’s working, right?” Lena just shakes her head, smiling.

“I do have a therapist, you know,” Lena says. “You don’t have to listen to me whine.” Maggie shakes her head.

“Talking is good, Little Luthor.”

“I don’t think you really want to hear about it, Maggie,” she admits, smiling a little more sadly. She knows it’s not a fun topic, and she can’t help but feel that Maggie’s only humoring her. Kara probably asked her to come check on her or something.

“Bullshit,” Maggie scoffs. “I’m your friend. I want to hear about most anything you’d want to say.” Lena feels a rush of warmth in her chest at Maggie calling Lena her friend, and she thinks it’s that, more than anything, that propels her to talk. She’s still tipsy, and it’s enough for her to be able to ignore the way it makes her stomach seize, but it’s really more than a little weird to talk about this _while_ eating; at least it gives her something to do with her hands as Maggie listens attentively.

“I, well, I already said I passed out in ballet. That class was on a Sunday. I’d had, uh, I think two bananas, a cup of yogurt, and a Gatorade that week, and not anything since two or three days before. I was taken to the hospital and given a feeding tube. The usual stuff. While I was there, Lillian made a huge show of storming into the ballet studio and screaming at my ballet teacher for forcing me to practice when I’d told him I wasn’t feeling well. Obviously that was a blatant lie, and he knew that, but, well, it’s hard to argue with Lillian Luthor, especially when she’s already ‘leaked’ the false story to multiple tabloids.

“It was only a few months until I graduated, and Lillian pulled me from all my dance classes and ignored the doctor’s rather forceful suggestions of rehab, or at least a therapist. When I got home from the hospital three days later, she told me not to embarrass the family that way again and told me I was expected to eat dinner with them every night.” Maggie winces at that sympathetically, and all Lena can do is shrug.

“It was a few years post first suicide attempt, so she was really pretty fed up with my 'antics’ at that point.” Lena flinches at yet another accidental admission, but though the corners of Maggie’s lips pull together, she doesn’t comment.

“It was about five months between that and me leaving for Boston, and during that time I pretty much continued to eat nothing during the day, but now I was eating dinner every night. Usually just with Lillian, but Lex, too, when he was there, and sometimes just with a staff member designated to pretend they weren’t watching me.

“It got… not as bad as it had been, but bad again when I left for college. I didn’t want to die nearly as much, but it was still…” Lena pauses, taking another bite of curry.

“I didn’t start trying to get better until my last semester at MIT. I’d had friends, but I didn’t really let anyone get too close for a while. My junior, well, it was technically my senior year, but my third year, I was nineteen and had a roommate a couple years older than me who was a real junior. She had friends whom I became friends with, and I had a few friends from my classes. They noticed something was wrong and, well, they were really great about it. Around my twentieth birthday, I really started trying, but by that time it had been like nine years, so it was—

"At first it _was_ just about how I looked and being able to control something about myself. I was a little chubby and realizing I was gay and I _despised_ myself. Lillian always required me to be perfect, so it was just about that, but after a while it becomes an actual physical thing, you know? Like it wasn’t just me being all, ‘I don’t want to eat because I’ll gain weight.’ Your body gets used to not holding much of anything and it becomes just as much about what you can physically take as about whatever you’re feeling.”

The more she talks, the more Lena realizes that Maggie was right; it feels freeing to talk about this with someone she’s not paying to listen.

“One of the seniors I was friends with had done the recovering thing a couple years ago—bulimia—and was vegan at that point. She said it helped her feel like she had more control in a healthy way, so I decided to go vegan, too. It wasn’t too hard, since I’d already been vegetarian since I was fourteen, partially because I’d never really liked meat, partially because the American meat industry is horrific and environmentally unsustainable, and partially because it made it easier to not eat. Plus it annoyed my mother. Rachel was right. It did help, actually. She’d take me to vegan restaurants and walk with me to a lot of my therapy appointments. I will admit I was a little in love with her, but it was nice to have someone who understood on my side.

“One of my friends and her roommate were also doing grad programs at Harvard, and they let me—actually, kind of forced me to—get an apartment with them. It was… I mean, it’s not like I was spectacular at it all, but I was doing fine by most people’s standards. It wasn’t about my body anymore, at least. Then all that stuff with Lex happened, and it was just hard to make myself keep eating.

“I’m not anorexic,” she says, finally looking up to meet Maggie’s eyes. “Anymore.” Maggie nods, taking a sip of her water. “I don’t want you to think that I’m purposefully skipping meals. It’s just stressful, and I do forget to eat kind of a lot. I have long hours and I get lost in work more often than I should. I mean, this is the first thing I’ve eaten since lunch, but I would’ve made something when I got home, you know?” Maggie nods. “I don’t want everyone to treat me differently. I know it’s all a little pathetic, but I’m not still…” she trails off, taking a sip of her tea. Sensing that Lena’s done, Maggie smiles at her.

“I’m really proud of you, Lena,” Maggie says. Lena shakes her head. “No, I am. You don’t have to believe it, but I am. But of course I’m going to see you differently, Lena.” Before Lena has time to do much more than tense up, Maggie continues. “It’s not a bad thing. Alex had an alcohol problem, so we help her not to drink too much, and she talks to us when she feels like she might be slipping. That’s how friendships work. You always can—and should—talk to any of us if you’re feeling bad.” Lena doesn’t say anything, the embarrassment of the whole situation catching up to her.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Lena,” Maggie says again. Lena manages not to scoff and they both count it as a win. “You wanna talk about something else?” Maggie asks. Lena nods, grateful. Maggie thinks about bringing up Kara, but decides Lena’s had enough awkward, emotional conversation for the night.

“What do you have going on at L-Corp?” Maggie asks instead, and listens as Lena talks through a couple upcoming projects. They talk about work and politics and the dog Maggie and Alex are thinking of getting as they finish their dinner. The waiter stops by to ask if he should bring separate checks, and before Maggie can say yes, Lena tells him no. He nods, walking away before Maggie can protest.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” Maggie grumbles.

“Please, Detective,” Lena says, “it’s the least I can do after you listened to me ramble.” Maggie shakes her head.

“You don’t have to pay me back for that. I like talking to you and what you have to say is important.” Lena shrugs.

“Still, I’d like to pay. You didn’t have to do this and it’s really not like I can’t afford it.” Maggie concedes, but still glares when Lena gives the waiter her card. Before they leave, Lena orders two Lyfts, and doesn’t tell Maggie until after she’s done so.

“Luthor, come on,” Maggie groans. “Cancel the car. I can get my own.” Lena raises her eyebrows, drawing in a mocking gasp.

“And get a bad review? Detective! My Lyft reputation is _very_ important to me.” Maggie rolls her eyes. After hugging Lena goodbye and telling her to call if she needs anything, she gets in the car Lena’s paying for with only minimal complaining.

Just a few minutes after they leave, Lena’s phone buzzes with a text from Maggie, and then two more.

_can i tell alex what you said?_

_or some of it?_

_she’ll ask is all. she was worried_

_i won’t tell her if you don’t want me to_

Lena finds that she really doesn’t care all that much. If Alex hates her—which she probably does—then any new information about Lena’s pathetic habits probably shouldn’t change much. Besides, if she keeps hanging out with Kara, and if Maggie now knows, Alex will know eventually, and she’d rather her know from Maggie than have to talk about it herself.

 _As long as you don’t think she’ll be weird_ Lena sends back. She gets a reply seconds later.

_stop being dumb_

 

The issue, as it turns out, is that Lena is _really good_ at being dumb; when she sees Maggie—and even Alex, since Lena really doesn’t know how much she knows—she can’t help but grow tense.

Two weeks after the last ~~disaster of a~~ game night, Lena and Kara are hanging out with Alex and Maggie at their apartment. The first issue is one that’s become common for Lena: when she and Kara arrive, Alex, Maggie, and Kara are all wearing jeans and Lena, straight from work, is wearing Yves Saint Laurent.

The second issue, however, is a bit newer: Lena eats two pieces of the vegan pizza she and Maggie are sharing and worries the whole time that either Alex or Maggie is going to say something about it, but even when she was a little kid she wasn’t a big eater, and two pieces is a perfectly normal amount of dinner, and she’s too anxious to make herself eat more.

Kara dashes to the freezer to grab pints of ice cream after they finish _The Parent Trap_ —Lena had admitted she’d never seen it and, to put it simply, the other girls had freaked. They watch the episode of _Saturday Night Live_ from the previous week while Lena and Maggie share a pint of vegan Cherry Garcia, though Maggie eats probably twice as much of it as Lena, passing it back and forth across Kara and Alex, and Kara eats two pints by herself and then starts to steal from Alex’s pint of Half Baked.

“Kara,” she warns after the third time.

“What?” Kara asks, schooling her face into a mask of innocence. It’d be enough to make Lena swoon. (And is, honestly.)

Before Kara and Lena leave, Kara needs to use the bathroom. While she’s gone, Maggie takes the seat available next to where Lena’s still sitting. Lena can’t help that her muscles coil.

“Lena,” Maggie says. Her voice is firm, and it’s clear that she’s realized how weird Lena’s been acting. Not that Lena’s surprised by that or anything; Maggie’s a detective, and it’s really not a difficult thing to detect. She pulls the sleeves of her dress down over her hands, curling her fingers and trying to mask her emotions.

“I can physically feel the anxiety radiating from you. Take a deep breath. You’re alright,” is all she says. It surprises Lena, for some reason, and not only is she too surprised to follow Maggie’s one instruction, but she also has absolutely no idea of a response, so she lets out a rather unintelligible sound that Lena really hoped would end up becoming a word.

It doesn’t, and she hears Alex snort from across the room. Lena finally nods.

“I’m sorry, I—”

“No, don’t apologize, Little Luthor. Just…” Maggie trails off; Lena nods again.

“Alright,” she starts. “Thank you for, uh… Thank you for putting up— No. For being such wonderful friends. Both of you.” It’s physically painful for Lena to say, and her face grows hotter and hotter with each word, but Maggie’s smiling at her softly when she finishes, and she hates that she thinks it’s worth it. Before Maggie can say anything else, however, Kara comes out of the bathroom.

“You ready, Lee?” Lena nods, standing up and smoothing down the skirt of her black dress.

“You want to take this pizza home, Luthor?” Alex asks from the kitchen. It feels like a challenge, so Lena says yes. She will eat it, anyway, if it’s there. It’s good pizza, and this means she doesn’t have to stop for lunch tomorrow. Alex wraps the two slices in foil and passes the makeshift package to Lena, squeezing her shoulder and wishing her a goodnight. Alex then stops to pull Kara in for a hug, and after a hug for each of them from Maggie, Kara and Lena are on their way out.

Kara flies Lena back to her apartment and Lena only almost passes out from the sheer fright of it twice.

 

The next month passes in approximately the same way. The only difference is that Sam starts spending more time with Kara and, by proxy, the rest of Kara’s friends. It’s kind of nice, and Lena surprisingly doesn’t feel like she’s being replaced, as bad as that sounds. Lena continues to hang out with Kara and Maggie and Alex and Winn, and even with James and Lucy. ~~She’s starting to realize what a support system is supposed to feel like.~~ It’s nice to have people to spend time with outside of work.

Though her social life continues to improve steadily, work gets a bit more difficult. It was completely expected, of course, what with a new partnership and two new product launches coming up, both of which are somehow behind schedule; there are unforeseen issues with the water filtration system, and Lena’s spending more time in the lab than she has since she took the position of CEO.

It’s stressful, to say the least, but Kara, ever the angel, doesn’t give up. She continues to come by Lena’s office even when Jess tells her Lena’s not in at the moment, continues to invite Lena out even when Lena declines her invitations, and continues to treat Lena with compassion even when Lena snaps at her.

The snapping at Kara is probably what makes Lena feel the worst, really. She’s so tired and stressed that everytime Kara does something kind and wonderful for her—so, often—her brain somehow only offers two options: confess her undying love for Kara, or brush it off and get Kara to leave.

Which brings her to now, listening to herself tell Kara that she appreciates the concern but that she doesn’t have time for silly trips, the silly trip in question being to Kara’s favorite restaurant so Lena can eat lunch. It’s a small thing, really, but as Lena watches the smile drop from Kara’s face, she feels like she’s activated the Medusa virus for real this time.

“Kara—” she starts, but Kara gives her a tight, incredibly false smile.

“It’s fine, Lena. I shouldn’t have asked. I know you’re busy.” With that, Kara is leaping from the L-Corp balcony, and Lena is left with nothing but a flood of shame and the realization that she’s never felt so much like Lillian in her life.

She doesn’t realize she’s made the decision until she’s already gathered her things and is stepping out of her office. She tells Jess that she’s going to get lunch and will be back shortly, and barely manages not to cringe at how hypocritical it all feels is.

On her way home, she asks her driver to stop at a CVS. She buys shampoo and conditioner, which she needs; three boxes of bandaids; a bottle of Gatorade, because she really is rather hungry, but definitely can’t eat right now; and a package of cheap razors.

She toes off her shoes the second she steps through her door. She drops her purse on the sofa and makes her way, barefoot, to the bathroom without a second thought. She feels horrible, knowing that she’s actually going to do this, to cut herself, over something this small, but she’s made up her mind at this point. She’s just tired, really.

In the bathroom, she strips out of her gray pants. She places the plastic bag holding her purchases, phone, and keys on the counter, then pulls out a pair of nail clippers and begins disassembling the head of a plastic razor. When she’s successfully removed the three blades, she grabs the middle one and steps into the tub, taking a seat on the edge.

First of all, it hurts more than she remembers. Secondly, she thinks she’s forgotten how much pressure it takes; these cuts are a _little_ deeper than she intended, but it seems fitting, she supposes, for the first time in over a year. Lena absolutely hates herself for the way the prickling pain relaxes her, but, hey, the self-hatred was a huge part of the self-harm in the first place.

She’s still on the edge of the bathtub, pressing toilet paper over the gaping cuts, when her phone rings. She considers straight-up not answering, but it’s her personal phone; it’s a heavy feeling in her chest—like something is not-quite-right—that makes her answer. She gets blood on the phone, trying to swipe to answer with one hand still holding bloody tissue to her leg, because of course she does. The second she answers, she swears her heart stops.

“Lena?” Alex gasps through the phone. The heavy feeling in Lena’s chest intensifies. She can’t quite bring herself to answer, but thankfully Alex continues.

“Can you come down to the DEO?” she asks, poorly hidden panic in her voice. “It’s— Kara’s— We think you can help, I’m not—” Alex takes a deep, shuddering breath, and Lena feels like that same air is leaving her lungs.

“Of course,” she manages to say.

“There should be a car there in three minutes,” Alex says, sounding a little less panic-stricken and a little more straight-up stricken. “I’ll text you.” Alex hangs up then, and Lena is left, terrified and bleeding, in her bathroom with three minutes to compose herself.

“Shit.”

Lena’s pretty sure she’s springing into action, but the pure, unbidden anxiety curling around her entire body makes it feel like she’s moving through molasses. She hastily wipes the blood from her legs, ignoring the fact that they’re still bleeding, and begins to plaster large bandages over the cuts. By the time she has the last bandaid on, she’s already close to bleeding through the first one, but now is not the time. She washes her hands, pulls her pants back up over her aching thighs, and frowns at herself in the mirror before grabbing the bandaids, her phone, and her keys.

She makes her way back to her door, grabbing her purse and shoes on the way out. When she gets outside, there’s a suspiciously discreet black car waiting for her, driven by an agent Lena vaguely recognizes. Lena slips into the back seat, trying her damnedest not to wince with every movement. Each time she glances down at her lap, she expects to see red through her clothes. This is a goddamn nightmare, she thinks; it’s entirely her fault.

Let it be known that Lena Luthor is a fucking dumbass.

Winn is waiting for her when she gets to the DEO. He leads her into a room that’s half lab, half office and Alex starts talking to Lena about portals. Which, literally fucking _portals_.

It’s all very confusing, especially since, at that very moment, Lena spots Lois Lane lounging, tense but still effortless, in the corner of the room. Lena’s throat catches and she loses track of whatever Alex is saying for a solid twenty seconds, and doesn’t manage to stop herself from asking why Lois is here. As it turns out, Kara’s only wherever the fuck she is—again, through a _portal_ —because she was trying to help Clark. As it turns out, Kara’s only slightly behind Lena on the scale of being a fucking dumbass.

The whole time she’s in the room, Lena is incredibly out of it and focused on her legs, which she knows are still bleeding. Despite that, her extreme guilt over the possibility of her last conversation with Kara being what it was, and the fact that she’s still not at all sure what’s going on, she somehow manages to find, if not a solution, then at least a way to contact Kara and Clark. It works, she hears Kara’s voice, and she takes a breath.

As soon as she hears Kara speak, Lena knows it’ll be okay. Logically, there’s obviously still a whole lot that could go wrong, but Lena just _knows_ , feels it in her gut. It’s incredibly relieving not to feel like she’s going to pass out from sheer panic, at least. God, if she had never seen Kara again, if she had snapped at Kara and then _lost_ her without ever telling her how she feels… Lena’s not sure what she would do.

The thought surprises her, actually. She’s never really considered _telling Kara_ before, mostly because that would definitely be a horrendously stupid thing to do. Lena, however, knows herself, and she knows it’s going to bug her more from now on.

Everyone’s still working to get Kara and Clark back, but the main issue was that they had no contact, and now that they do, Lena knows they can figure it out. Right now, however, Lena's main issue is her fucking leg situation. She tells Alex that she’s stepping out to use the restroom, grabs her purse, and heads down a hallway Alex pointed out the first time she was here. The women’s bathroom at the end of the hall, it’s clear, is not used often, as this entire wing is fairly vacant.

She steps inside the restroom and lets the door bang shut behind her. She knows the bathroom is out of the way and barely used, but it’s still a public bathroom, and she manages the common sense to lock herself in a stall before pulling down her pants and beginning to remove the sopping bandaids.

For some reason, there’s no trash can in this women’s bathroom stall. Lena sighs. Gathering up the bandaids, she presses toilet paper against the cuts, only bleeding a little bit, now. She pulls her pants up loosely over her thighs, then steps out.

When she leaves the stall, she doesn’t expect anyone to walk into the room in the ten or so seconds it will take her to throw away her bloody bandaids, rinse her hands, and wet some paper towels. Honestly, she doesn’t expect anyone to walk in at all. Look, she’ll admit that she’s feeling a little reckless or maybe invincible and, honestly, she’s not sure she's ever seen anyone use this bathroom, so she makes no move to block the door or button her pants.

However, just as she’s walking out, blood on her hands and bandaids clutched between her fingers, Lois Lane walks in. She sees Lena. Lena freezes. Lois freezes for a moment, too, taking in the women in front of her. After a thorough once-over, Lois looks, well, maybe a little sad, but not like she’s pitying Lena, and all she does is raise a questioning eyebrow. Lena blanches, then feels all her blood rush back into her face. This might be the worst moment of her entire life.

Lena is still frozen as Lois makes her way around her and into another stall. As Lois uses the bathroom, Lena disposes of the bandaids and slowly moves to wash her hands. She’s still standing there with her hands under the cool water, feeling the toilet paper on her legs soak up blood from the still bleeding cuts, when Lois flushes and comes out of the stall. She washes her hands beside Lena, making no move to reprimand or comfort her, and for a moment Lena wonders if she’s simply not going to say anything.

Lois dries off her hands and moves toward the door, pulling a pin out of her hair and sticking it in the door handle or something—Lena’s not sure. She watches as Lois pulls on the handle and the door doesn’t budge. She turns back to Lena, wiping her palms against her gray tweed pencil skirt and raising her eyebrow again.

“Alright, Lena,” she says, “let’s see.” Lena starts to shake her head, a bit more frantic than she wants to be.

“Lois, it’s—”

“I can call a medic in here if you’d rather,” Lois says, watching as Lena flinches. “Otherwise, let me see.” When Lena doesn’t make a move either way, Lois continues. “You have bandaids?” Lena nods, trying to hide the tremor in her hands, as she steps back into the stall, wincing as the wet toilet paper shifts against her thighs.

When she steps back out, clutching a box of various bandaids in her hand, Lois is wiping off a section of the counter between the sinks. She glances back at Lena.

“Legs?” Lois asks. At Lena’s timid nod, she says, “Pants off, hop up.” Lena pauses a moment, still not believing that this is actually what her life has come to, that she’s actually going to strip off her clothes to show someone her bloody legs, that the someone is _Lois_ , whom Lena swore she was in love with when she was twelve. It’s all so incredibly _horrible_.

Lois motions with her hands for Lena to hurry; Lena’s never known her well, but she’s known her long enough to know she’s not actually exasperated. She’s not quite sure if that makes this thing better or worse, though.

She steps out of her shoes, first, wincing at both the feel of the dirty floor on her bare feet and the sudden height—only three inches at the most, but still—Lois has on her. Trying to gain control of her fingers, Lena slides the pants down her legs. The bloody paper sticks to her skin, but there are blood stains on the inside of the fabric; she doubts it would have taken much more to bleed through. Lena folds her pants loosely, placing them on the very edge of the counter before pushing herself up into the middle, sitting in only her dark green blouse and (embarrassingly lacy) black underwear. She starts to peel off the toilet paper, but Lois steps forward, placing her hands gently on Lena’s wrists.

“I’m doing this, now,” she says, leaving no room for argument. Lois takes over, standing between her legs and removing blood soaked paper from her skin. She bites her lip once she’s managed to get everything off, staring at the mess of blood and marred skin.

“Lena…” she starts, chewing at her lip. Lois looks upset, but not sad: somewhere between angry and worried, maybe. The embarrassment that somehow hadn’t hit Lena comes rushing out of nowhere, and she has to stifle a breathy laugh to keep from sobbing. Lois glances up, concern Lena rarely sees in her eyes, as she reaches over to grab some paper towels. Lena shakes her head.

“Sorry,” she says. Lois rolls her eyes, starts to say something, but Lena continues. “God, this is just like… my worst nightmare and a childhood dream all rolled into one,” she laughs again, ignoring the tears she feels gathering at the corners of her eyes.

“How so?” Lois asks, tone neutral. Lena pulls her eyes away from the skin Lois is cleaning with a wet paper towel to stare somewhere above Lois’ head.

“I just— God, this is so fucking embarrassing.” Lois draws her lip back between her teeth, though Lena doesn’t notice. She feels the butterfly touches over her sore skin and continues. “This isn’t what Luthors are supposed to— I’m a CEO of a successful company. If I can’t keep it together enough not to act like a fucking teenager, then I should at least be able to keep it private,” Lena scoffs.

“That’s ridiculous, Lena,” Lois says before Lena can keep going. “This isn’t childish, and neither is asking for help. Or conceding to help, actually.” Lena waves her off; the best she can do right now is not argue.

“It’s horrible and mortifying, but, I mean… It’s not like I wanted someone to find out when I was younger, but I wanted the comfort that I thought would come from it. Not from Lillian finding out, god, no. But if someone else did, someone who was nice to me…

“It’s not like I really knew that many people who _were_ nice to me, and you’d hang out with Clark and Lex after you and Lex graduated. I was eleven, when you first started coming by, and you were always so nice to me, even when Clark and Lex would ignore me, and— I had the biggest crush on you when I was younger, you know?” She can’t believe she’s actually said that for a moment—even though she is, actually, sure Lois must have caught on—and lets her gaze drop back to Lois’ face for the first time since she’s started speaking.

Lois looks like she’s trying to hide the soft smile on her face. When Lena doesn’t immediately continue, Lois glances up, catching Lena’s eye. Lena herself looks embarrassed, she’s sure, but not surprised.

“I did, yes,” Lois says softly, her small smile evident in her voice. “It was cute,” she adds. “Endearing.” Lena scoffs.

“I’m sure.”

“It was! Really.” Lena rolls her eyes, almost forgetting about what got her in this situation in the first place until Lois wipes again at her skin, catching the edge of a particularly deep cut. Lena hisses, trying to disguise it with a cough and a smile, but she knows Lois can tell; she’s incredibly intelligent, after all. Lena would almost rather talk about the crush again.

“It was pathetic is what it was,” she says, watching Lois’ hands as she moves to unwrap the bandaids Lena gave her.

“Well, it made me feel special,” Lois said. “Clark was always everyone’s favorite, and _you_ liked me more than him.” Lena rolls her eyes, even though there’s sincerity just at the edge of Lois’ voice.

“Well, I’m a huge lesbian, so Clark Kent could hardly have been my ‘first love,’” Lois laughs at that, smoothing a bandaid onto Lena’s shrapnel of an excuse for skin. “Anyway, it would’ve been a dream come true for thirteen-year-old me to have you doing this, being so nice and all, I mean.”

“What,” Lois grins, moving her hands higher up Lena’s legs, “you sure you didn’t just want my hands here?” She winks at Lena, sliding her thumbs up and under the edge of Lena’s underwear to stroke the bare—albeit scarred—skin of her hips. Lena flushes what she’s sure must be a cardinal red, but laughs all the same.

“Fuck off,” she grumbles. Lois winks again, though there’s something soft in her smile, and moves back to Lena’s legs. The teasing is so horrifically embarrassing, but in a different way than the rest of the situation; Lena thinks it makes it feel more normal, maybe.

“You were a sweet kid, Lilo. And brilliant. It’s an honor to have, what? Helped with your gay awakening?” The comment is mocking, but her tone is still sweet, and Lena can tell she means what she says. It makes her feel warm, the same way she’d feel when Lois would stop to ask Lena what she was up to over ten years ago on her way to Lex’s room. Lena shakes her head, grinning.

“I forgot you used to call me that,” she says in lieu of actually answering.

“Lilo?” Lena hums out a yes, studying her thighs as Lois covers the last of the broken skin. She steps back and over to one of the sinks, washing her hands as Lena pushes herself down from the counter. She suddenly feels insufferably awkward, once again, like a child. As Lois dries off her hands, Lena pulls her pants back up, buttoning them and tucking her shirt back in before sliding her feet back into her black heels.

“Thank you for—” Lena starts. “You didn’t have to do that. Thanks for not… Thanks for being so nice about it.” Lois looks at her, some kind of question that feels a little too much like pity in her eyes, and Lena shrugs.

“It’s not a problem, Li,” she says instead of whatever it is that Lena can tell she wanted to say. “Even if Lex isn’t my friend anymore—or Lex anymore, really—you’re still my best friend’s genius sister, and I still care about you. You’re a wonderful woman, Lena. Kara’s lucky to have you, in whatever way,” she adds. Lena flushes at the comment. Lois throws her hands up in mock surrender.

“Look,” she says, “I’ll say my piece and then I’ll drop it, okay?” She waits for Lena to respond; Lena raises an eyebrow, challenging Lois to tell Lena what she thinks she’s feeling. (The fact that she’d undoubtedly be right is completely beside the point.)

“I know I can’t say anything about Kara, but from my personal experience, Kryptonians are exceptionally good in bed.” She winks at Lena as she moves past her toward the door, and Lena can’t help the strangled gasp that escapes her lips. She’s sure she’s beet red by now.

“Lois,” she tries to snap, and hates that it comes out more like a whine.

“I’m not saying anything else.” Lena groans, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Some of those are actually very bad, you know,” Lois continues, undoing whatever lock she put on the door handle and ignoring the way Lena winces. “You really should let someone look at them. I think you need stitches.”

“If I need stitches I can do them myself,” Lena says. Lois shrugs.

“I still think you should have someone look at them. Alex, maybe?”

“I know you just want me to talk to someone. It’s not necessary. I have a therapist.”

“I want you to talk to your _friends_ , Li,” Lois says. “And Alex is a doctor. She’d be good about it.”

“Agent Danvers and I are hardly friends,” Lena scoffs. “She only puts up with me for Kara’s sake. Besides, this isn’t a common occurrence.”

“Alex likes you just fine. Promise.” She pauses, watching the woman beside her from the corner of her eye. “Just think about it, okay?”

“Sure,” Lena says, not even bothering to pretend she means it. Lois sighs, but, nonetheless, slings her arm over Lena’s shoulder as they walk back to the others.

It takes almost another two hours to get Kara and Clark back, and Lena spends the whole time even more aware of Lois Lane’s presence than she’d normally be. Still, when Kara finally steps through the portal—again, what the actual _fuck_ —Lena forgets anyone else exists. Kara pulls Alex into a hug, first, but within seconds Lena is in her arms.

“I’m so sorry,” Lena whispers. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier. God, I— If that had been—” She has to cut herself off to stop her from crying. Kara’s hands run up and down Lena’s back.

“Lena, it’s alright. I know you’re just stressed.” It’s really not all that comforting, but coming from Kara, it’s perfect.

 

Lena would be hard pressed to admit it, but it’s actually Lois’s weird, sexually focused speech that makes Lena do something. Well, okay, Lena doesn’t want to give Lois _too_ much credit, but that along with the fact that for a few hours there was the very real possibility that she would _never see Kara again_ spur her into action. She’s going to tell Kara.

It takes her three weeks and three tries to actually woman up and do it. The first time, Lena takes Kara to a nice restaurant, then chickens out after realizing this looks more like she’s coming onto Kara than, well, coming out to Kara (as someone who’s completely in love with her).

The second time, Lena actually thinks she would have gone through with it. They’re in Lena’s office, having lunch as the often do, and Lena takes a deep breath. She only gets through Kara’s name, however, before Kara’s perking up and setting down her food. Lena knows that look.

“I’m sorry, Lee. Rain check?” Before Lena can do more than nod, Kara’s taking off from her balcony.

The third time Lena knows she won’t leave until she’s told Kara; she knows this because she’s not sure she’s been this nervous in years, which is honestly saying something.

Kara invites her over to her apartment for dinner on Sunday, which is normal, and Lena plans out a speech to confess her undying love, which is not. They eat Indian takeout and watch the last two episodes of the first season of _The Good Place_  before Kara pulls the Netflix menu back up on the screen.

“You want to watch something else?” Kara asks, and Lena finds that something—her mouth, her throat, her larynx—isn’t working and she can’t speak. She manages to shake her head, but at this point Kara’s looking at her a little strangely.

“Lena?” Lena closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. When she opens her eyes again, Kara’s watching her, looking incredibly confused.

“Kara,” she says finally, “I need to tell you something.” Kara looks immediately concerned. Lena can’t help but smile at the crinkle between her eyebrows.

“Are you okay, Lena?” Kara asks, and Lena nods, doing her best to ignore the growing pit in her stomach. If Kara hates her after this… Well, she really doesn’t know what she’ll do.

“I, yes, it’s just…” She takes a deep breath. She’s started this and she needs to finish it, but she doesn’t think she can sit there while Kara looks at her like she’s the most important person in the world.

Lena pushes herself up from the couch, pacing back and forth across Kara’s floor to avoid her gaze.

“You’re my best friend,” Lena starts, still pacing. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and our friendship means so much to me, but I haven’t been honest with you. When you told me you were Supergirl, you talked about the same thing, and I, well, I don’t want to keep lying to you, because you’re the most important person in my life, and I really shouldn’t keep something like this from you. It’s not fair to you.” She pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues to pace.

“When you hug me, or smile at me, or call me just because, or bring me lunch because you think I’ve probably forgotten to eat, or invite me to hang out with your friends, it makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world, because I— Oh, fuck.” She turns around, planting her feet firmly and meeting Kara’s eyes.

“I’m so in love with you, Kara,” she says, and powers through despite Kara’s gasp. “And I know that’s probably not fun to hear, but I feel so guilty not telling you, because I want to kiss you constantly, and you’re my best friend, and you should have all the information when you share my bed or fall asleep in my lap or take me to your favorite restaurants. I know that this will probably make it a lot harder to be friends with me, and I understand if you don’t want to continue our friendship, but you’re my best friend and I really don’t want to lose that.” Lena stops as she feels tears gathering in her throat and, dammit, she doesn’t want to start crying right now. Kara stands up from the couch, taking a step toward Lena, and Lena can’t help but flinch.

“Oh, Lena,” she says. Lena closes her eyes, letting out a shaky breath, because she knows what’s going to happen now, and it won’t be good. “Can I kiss you?” Kara asks. Lena’s eyes fly open.

“What?” she croaks. Kara’s eyebrows draw closer together; she looks a little amused, actually.

“Kiss you. Can I— You know, like…” She makes kissy noises with her mouth. Lena gapes at her. “I like you, too, Lena. I never thought someone as spectacular as you would feel the same way about me.”

“You _like_ me?” Lena asks, absolutely incredulous. Kara laughs, nodding earnestly.

“So much, Lee. I like you so much. May I kiss you?” At this point, Lena’s sure this must be either a dream or a horrific prank. Kara takes another step toward her.

“Are you being serious?” Lena asks. Kara nods again.

“Of course. Alex and Maggie tease me about it constantly,” she admits. Lena can’t seem to wrap her head around this.

“Okay,” Lena finally whispers.

“Okay?” Kara asks, and, there’s crinkle again. Lena blanches.

“Do you not— Do you still want to kiss me?” she asks, much more timid than she would have liked. Kara nods vigorously.

“Oh, yes! Very much.” She closes the distance between them, taking Lena’s face in both hands and kissing her like she’s the only person ~~on the planet~~ in the universe. Lena completely, one hundred percent melts. Full stop. Kissing Kara is exactly how she’d imagined it would be. It’s the best thing she’s ever done.

When Kara pulls away, the crinkle has returned. Lena feels her stomach drop. She’s not the _best_ kisser in the world, she knows that, but she didn’t think she was downright _awful_.

“Lee, I just want to make sure you know that, even if I didn’t think you were like, the most attractive person on the planet, I wouldn’t have even considered ending our friendship over something like that, okay?” Lena doesn’t really know how to react, but Kara seems to be waiting for something.

“I’m still friends with James and Winn, and I care about you so much. What you feel matters so much, and, Rao, Lena, I don’t want you to think that I’d ever react poorly to you telling me something like that, okay?” Lena can’t quite bring herself to nod; it’s all she can do to keep the tears welling in her eyes from falling. Her bottom lip starts to tremble despite her best efforts.

“I want you to acknowledge that, Lee. You’re not some… predator just for liking people you’re friends with, and you’re not a bad person. You’re a good person with a wonderful heart, and you deserve people that care about you.” Lena can’t help it; she starts to cry. The first tears fall silently, and before Kara can react much at all, Lena’s full on sobbing. Kara goes to pull her into a hug while Lena tries to turn away.

“I’m sorry,” she sobs. “Oh God, I’m such a mess. I’m sorry,” she manages as her tears slow, if only incrementally. Kara pulls her closer, smoothing Lena’s hair and rubbing her back. Kara shakes her head.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry more people haven’t told you that.” It’s almost enough to make Lena start sobbing again—God, what a fucking embarrassment she is—but she manages to steady her breathing. She manages to nod.

Kara smiles at Lena like she’s solved the world hunger problem, then pulls her in for another kiss. If Lex sent another assassin, right now, Lena thinks she would die happy. She smiles against Kara’s lips, her face still wet with tears, resting her hands on Kara’s waist and pulling her closer. Kara’s fingers run through Lena’s hair and Lena cannot fucking believe that this is her life. Lena’s the one to pull away this time, laughing and breathless. Kara smiles shyly at her.

“Lena Luthor, will you be my girlfriend?” Lena feels her eyes fill with tears all over again and she hates it, but this is maybe the best moment of her life. She nods.

“There’s nothing I want more,” she says, breathy. Kara grins so wide Lena’s sure her cheeks must hurt.

“Can I take you out tomorrow?” Kara asks. “On a date.” Lena Luthor, biomedical engineer, feels like her heart might literally stop beating.

“Yes,” she breathes, then: “Wait. No, actually. I’m sorry, I’m completely booked tomorrow. I have a brunch meeting and a dinner meeting and a board meeting in the afternoon. I’m sorry.” Kara shakes her head.

“Don’t be. We’ve been friends for months. I know how busy you are. I guess there has to be one downside to dating a brilliant CEO.” Lena blushes, ducking her head and trying not to think about the many, many downsides to dating her.

“Tuesday?” Lena asks. Kara nods decisively.

“Tuesday.”

Kara pulls Lena back into her, and they spend who knows how long like that, curled up on the couch staring at the Netflix menu, before Lena realizes she should probably head back to her own apartment. She says as much, and laughs at Kara’s whine. Kara releases her nonetheless, and Lena slowly picks herself up from the couch, still reeling at how the night turned out. As Lena collects her things, Kara watches her with unmasked adoration. It makes Lena feel like the center of the universe.

At the door, Lena swoons when Kara kisses her softly. Lena pulls away, landing a last peck on the corner of Kara’s mouth.

“Are you…” she starts. “Alex, you know? I mean, well, are you— Is this something you want to…” Lena trails off, not knowing how to ask that question on her mind.

“Am I gonna tell Alex?” Kara asks, smiling at her. Lena nods, ducking her head slightly. “If it’s okay with you, I’d really like to. I’m really, really happy, and she’s going to be glad that I’ll finally stop moping about you. Though, oh gosh, she’s gonna tease me so much when she finds out you were the one who made the first move.” Lena pauses for a moment to consider.

“I think that’s something I’d be fine with. As long as you don’t think she’ll be mad.” She know she sounds incredibly insecure, but she is can’t help it.

“Well, like I said, she’ll be furious I didn’t woman up and tell you first,” Kara laughs. Lena rolls her eyes, smiling at the woman she now gets to call her girlfriend. “She does like you, Lee. I promise.” Lena shrugs, but leans in to kiss Kara again.

“Lena?” Kara says after Lena’s stepped out of her apartment. She’s leaning against the doorframe, smiling, when Lena turns back to her. “I love you, too.” She closes the door, then, and Lena spends the whole night thinking about the soft smile on Kara’s face.

 

The next morning, Lena wakes up early as usual. As she gets dressed and does her makeup, however, she finds that she can’t stop smiling. When she grabs her phone and heads out the door, she sees she has a text from Kara. It reads _Good luck on all your meetings! Can’t wait for our date tomorrow. Is a picnic okay?_ followed by a string of emojis. Lena’s face breaks into a full on a grin.

In the elevator, she responds to the text. _I’ll definitely need it; it’s going to be hell. A picnic sounds lovely. Thank you for being the most thoughtful girlfriend in the entire world._ She hesitates a moment, mostly over the word ‘girlfriend,’ but sends the text nonetheless. Kara responds almost immediately, with a red heart and cheeky comment about how she can’t be the best girlfriend since that’s Lena’s job. Lena’s still smiling when she climbs into the waiting car, striking up polite conversation with Frank on the way to L-Corp.

When Lena returns to her office after her brunch meeting, she’s already exhausted. She wants nothing more than to curl up on her couch with a glass of wine and the day isn’t even half over. Jess isn’t at her desk when Lena walks through, probably off somewhere making sure everything’s set for the board meeting.

Lena pushes through the doors to her office, already exhaling into the idea of a few minutes alone. She’s barely able to contain her yelp of surprise at the sight of Alex standing, arms crossed, in the center of Lena’s office. She feels her shoulders tighten again, trying to run through the stupid anxiety exercises her therapist suggested in preparation for what she’s sure won’t be a pleasant meeting.

“Agent Danvers,” she says anyway, “to what do I owe the pleasure?” Alex’s face doesn’t crack from it’s stoic set, and Lena feels her chest seize up despite her best efforts.

“Luthor,” Alex says, and it feels less like a greeting than an insult. “Would you like to sit?” Lena wouldn’t usually allow anyone to order her around in her own office, but this is Alex, sister of her girlfriend, DEO agent, and girlfriend of the cop that once arrested Lena in this very room; it’s a special circumstance.

Lena doesn’t answer, but makes her way around the desk and lowers herself into her chair, more comfortable with the piece of furniture between them.

“I assume you know why I’m here,” Alex says. Lena nods.

“Of course, Agent.” Alex drops her arms then, taking the few short steps to Lena’s desk and bracing herself against it, leaning forward.

“Luthor,” she says, and Lena doesn’t miss the avoidance of her first name, “I didn’t trust you from the moment I met you. While you have done a lot to prove me wrong, I want you to make sure that you are aware that you are nowhere near off the hook.” Lena barely manages to nod. She knows what this is, but it’s still hard to have one of the few people she’s come to think of as a friend tell her that she’ll never be more than her last name.

“If you do anything to hurt Kara, I want you to know that I will not hesitate to make this city hate you as much as it hates your brother.” It’s a low blow, and Lena knows Alex understands that, that Alex orchestrated it to be just what it is. She bites down, hard, on the inside of her cheek to keep the tears from welling up in her eyes.

“Of course, Agent,” Lena repeats, “though I intend to do no such thing. I understand how important Kara is to both her family and this city, and I would be hard pressed to find any reason to cause her any harm, emotional or otherwise. I’m incredibly lucky that she sees something worthwhile in me. I don’t intend to lose that faith. She’s…” The compliments die on her tongue at the sight of Alex, unflinching, but with something soft behind her eyes. It takes everything Lena has to hold her gaze.

After almost a full minute of staring, Alex is the one to finally back down. She turns away from Lena, her entire body softening, and heads for the door. Lena can’t help but wonder—just for a second—if Lex would have done the same thing for her, had the circumstances been different. Lena knows her brother loved her, once, but she’s not sure he would have, and it’s a hard thought to swallow around.

“Alex, I—” Lena starts, and it takes her a full second to realize she’s spoken. As Alex turns back to look at her, Lena winces at the tenderness in her own voice. “I’m glad Kara has someone like you looking out for her. She deserves that.” Alex stares at her for a moment, her face hard, before it softens just slightly. Alex gives her a smile, more humorous than sweet.

“So do you, Luthor,” she says, and stalks out the door.

The second the door swings shut behind her, Lena sags. She lets her head drop into her hands, feeling the weight of it as her elbows press into the desk. She gives herself a full minute of shaky breaths, trying to blink the tears out of her eyes, before springing back into action, turning to a pile of papers on her desk she knows she needs to work through before the two o’clock meeting. She has forty minutes. She can do this.

She goes home that night exhausted, but with a new project moving into development stage and the flimsy beginnings to a partnership with a company focusing on alien medicine. She’s already showered and slipped into a pair of sleep shorts and a sweatshirt by the time Kara lands on her balcony. She’s in her Supergirl suit, but capeless and with her hair tied back, and Lena, not for the first time, relishes the fact that she gets to see Kara this way.

Lena barely has time to worry over her appearance—her makeupless face and wet hair, the exhaustion she knows shines through her entire body—before Kara is waltzing inside, kissing Lena like she’s done it a thousand times. Kara smiles at her as she pulls away, taking Lena’s hand and leading her to the couch.

Kara sits down first and Lena follows suit, practically falling onto the opposite side of the sofa. Kara pats her thighs and Lena smiles, swinging her legs up onto the couch and letting her feet rest in Kara lap, letting out a sigh of relief as Kara starts to rub her feet. They talk about their days, and Lena pauses a moment, biting her lip, before mentioning Alex’s visit.

“Alex stopped by,” Lena says after a moment of silence. Kara laughs, wincing.

“Oh gosh. I told her not to do that. I hope she wasn’t too mean?” Lena shrugs.

“It’s fine. I expected a shovel talk,” Lena grins. At Kara’s continued concern, she continues.

“She can be… scary, when she wants to be, and I think she knows me a little too well for it to be ineffective, but it’s not like she tried to kill me or anything.” She leaves out the specifics, but feels Kara gets the idea anyway; the crinkle is there, between her eyes, and it makes Lena smile. “Nothing too bad,” Lena assures her before Kara can ask. “Just how you deserve the whole world and how she has the power to sway the public’s opinion should I fail to give it to you.” Kara winces again, pulling her face into an exaggerated expression.

“Oh gosh,” she says, laughing a little awkwardly. “I’m sorry. I know she can be a bit much.” Lena shrugs.

“If it makes you feel any better, I think she and Maggie coordinated their attacks.”

“What?” Lena says, too confused to understand what Kara means.

“Oh, did you not know?” Kara asks, focused on rubbing the tension out of Lena’s feet. Lena shakes her head, though she still doesn’t know what, exactly, she’s admitting to not knowing. “Maggie caught me just as I was leaving CatCo, actually. She told me that even though I’m Super, she’d have no trouble coming up with ways to hurt me. I believe it, too,” Kara laughs. Lena doesn’t quite hear it, though; she’s entirely frozen, and she can’t quite make her brain catch up to her breathing. Maggie came to talk to Kara. Maggie came to talk to Kara _about her_.

“Oh,” Lena finally says. Her bottom lip starts to tremble and she bites down, hard, to keep any noise from escaping. Kara looks up at her, then, and her entire face softens.

“Oh, Lena,” she sighs. Lena waves her away.

“No. No, I’m fine. I just didn’t know she was going to do that,” she manages to get out. Her throat still feels incredibly tight, and there’s something in her chest that she knows will crack soon.

“Lena, come here,” Kara says, and Lena hesitates before complying, pulling her feet up and scooting closer to her girlfriend. Kara pulls her into her side, running a hand through Lena’s hair and working to soothe Lena’s rocky breaths. “Lena, it’s okay,” she says. Lena shakes her head, trying to laugh but only managing a watery sigh.

“No one’s ever done something like that for me,” she admits, and her voice is entirely too shaky and entirely too soft and she knows Kara will see straight through her attempted nonchalance, superpowers or not.

“Lena, it’s okay,” Kara repeats. “You can cry.” Lena hates that the permission is all it takes, but minutes later she’s still sobbing into Kara, curled up on the couch and gasping for breath. Kara holds her the entire time, whispering sweet nothing until Lena calms down.

“I’m sorry,” Lena says, the very second she’s able to breathe enough to speak. “That was entirely unprofessional.” Kara laughs, but it sounds more concerned than Lena wanted.

“Lee, you’re my girlfriend, and more than that you’re my friend. You don’t need to be professional with me. I don’t _want_ you to be professional with me. You deserve to feel things, okay?” She meets Lena’s eyes, kind, waiting for a response. Lena manages to nod, though she doesn’t quite believe it.

“Okay,” she says, soft and still a little choked.

“Good,” Kara nods. “You deserve the world.” Lena blushes at that, and it makes Kara smile. Even with the intimacy of the moment, Lena can’t stifle her yawn, her exhaustion coming back full force. Kara smiles, her eyes softening at the edges.

“Let’s get you to bed, sweetheart,” she says. Lena barely has time to protest before Kara’s picking her up and carrying her toward the bedroom. Despite how tired she is, Lena can’t help the rush of warmth she feels in her belly at the feel of Kara holding her.

Kara pulls down her covers and deposits her in her bed, and before Lena can move to pull the bedding over her, Kara is doing it for her. Lena feels a rush of pure, unadulterated love at the clear act of care, than Kara is dashing around the room, shutting off Lena’s lights, before she’s standing next to her again. Kara kisses her softly, on the corner of her mouth, and Lena sighs, eyes already fluttering closed.

“I’ll pick you up from L-Corp at six,” Kara says, and Lena can only manage to nod. Kara walks toward Lena’s balcony doors, opening them with a click.

“Sweet dreams,” Kara says. “I love you.” Lena, eyes still half-closed, grins like an idiot.

“I love you more.”

“I love you more than anything,” Kara says before stepping through the glass doors and shutting them behind her. Lena watches as Kara takes off, shooting into the sky. When Kara’s gone, Lena grabs the phone Kara had plugged in on her bedside table, opening her messages and searching for Maggie’s name.

 _Thank you_ , she sends. Then, an afterthough: _For everything._

She falls asleep faster than she has in a very long time.

 

Tuesday morning, Lena wakes up to a response from Maggie— _you don’t have to thank me, LL. i haven’t done anything you don’t deserve_ —and she makes a mental note to get Jess to send Maggie flowers regardless. As she gets dressed, she wonders absentmindedly about what flowers Maggie would even like, and decides, with a self-congratulatory laugh, on magnolias, if only for the pun of it.

Lena’s day is as busy as any other—not as busy as yesterday for sure, but her days aren’t typically _easy_ —and she spends all of her time not actively working looking forward to her date with Kara. It’s cloudy all day, but Lena hopes (even prays to a God she can’t quite make herself believe in) that it’ll hold off, at least until later tonight.

It doesn’t. Shortly before five, the sky opens up and it starts to pour. She can’t help the rush of disappointment she feels, but she gets no rain check text from Kara, no change of plans, so she tries to wrap up early as planned.

At five-till six, Lena gets a text from Kara saying that she’s outside. In a bit more of a rush than Lena’s willing to admit, she packs up, grabbing her purse and leaving her office.

“I’m heading out early,” she tells Jess as she shuts the door to her office. “Please go home. There’s no reason for you to be working when I’m not.” Jess scoffs.

“There’s plenty of reason, Miss Luthor.” Lena rolls her eyes at the faux-professionalism of it all, but then Jess adds, “Have fun!” with a bit too much of _something_ in her voice for Lena to deny that she’s doing anything other than going home. She narrows her eyes at Jess as she passes. Jess smiles, the picture of innocence, but Lena hears her laugh as she gets into the elevator.

As promised, Kara is outside the building, standing under an umbrella red enough to be in some animated short and smiling. Though she’s still technically at work, Lena feels herself soften.

“I borrowed Maggie’s car,” Kara tells her as Lena steps under the umbrella. “I hope that’s alright.”

“Do you even know how to drive?” Lena asks, linking her arm with Kara’s. Kara gasps.

“Of course I know how to drive, Lena! Why else would I have borrowed her car?” Lena shakes her head, a fond smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

As it turns out, Kara can, technically, drive, but it doesn’t stop Lena from gripping the edge of her seat the entire drive. Lena slides Kara’s name into her mental file of “gays who think they can drive” and smiles at her own joke. Kara takes them back to her apartment, and Lena raises her eyebrow in question as she parks the car. Kara fidgets under her gaze.

“I, I had to change my plans a bit. I hope that’s alright,” Kara says, glancing up at Lena, who nods.

“Of course it is,” she says, though she’s secretly a little disappointed she won’t get to have a romantic picnic with Kara. Kara’s entire body relaxes, though, and Lena’s statement is entirely worth it just for Kara’s comfort.

“Okay, awesome,” Kara says, then she’s leaping out of the car and opening up the umbrella on Lena’s side before Lena can do so much as to unbuckle her seatbelt. Kara leads them inside and into the elevator, and Lena thinks that any time with Kara is better than the perfect date with anyone else.

As soon as Kara opens the door to her apartment, ushering Lena inside, Lena’s lungs stop working. The lights are dim in the apartment, and Kara’s pushed the coffee table out of the way and replaced it with a picnic blanket. There are fairy lights strung from the couch to the top of the television set, and a bottle of champagne and a basket just to the side on the floor. Lena looks to Kara, nervous and fidgeting again, eyes wide.

“Do you like it?” Kara asks, and all Lena can do is nod enthusiastically. Kara’s face breaks into a wide grin. “Good,” she smiles. Kara leans the umbrella against her wall, shrugging out of her rain jacket and toeing off her shoes. Lena follows suit, removing her own blazer and hanging it up beside Kara’s jackets.

“Do you want something more comfortable to wear before we sit down?” Kara asks, and it’s only then that Lena remembers she’s in her work clothes. Lena hesitates for a moment before nodding, ultimately leaving on her black slacks but exchanging her top for one of Kara’s National City University sweatshirts.

Once Lena’s changed, Kara leads her over to their makeshift picnic, letting her sit down and beginning to pull out the food. Lena can’t help but look around in awe once more.

“I think— No. This is the most effort anyone’s ever put into a date with me. It’s beautiful, Kara.”

“You’re beautiful,” Kara says without missing a beat. “You deserve it.” Lena blushes under the praise, accepting the champagne Kara hands her. She takes a sip, smiling as Kara spreads the food out before them.

“Maggie helped me make the cauliflower and the dip,” Kara says. Lena almost swoons at the thought. “And then I picked the other stuff up from the store and a bakery.”

“There’s vegetables,” Lena says, a smile on her lips. Kara rolls her eyes.

“Of course there’s vegetables, you filthy vegan. I also got potstickers for myself, though.” She pauses. “And some other Chinese that I ate before I came to get you.” Lena laughs, leaning in to kiss Kara on the cheek, which makes Kara grin.

All in all, it’s a very picnic-appropriate spread. There’s the cauliflower dish Kara mentioned, along with the dip that Lena thinks is some mix between a green goddess dressing and hummus, then cut up bell peppers, a suspiciously authentic baguette, a few kinds of cheese, almonds and dried blueberries, and cupcakes.

“It’s actually mostly not vegan, but Maggie said she didn’t think you’d mind.” Kara looks a bit worried at that, and Lena can’t help her laugh; she’s been eating eggs and dairy around Kara since the first time Kara offered her food with them in it.

“Not at all.” Kara’s face lights up again.

They spend the evening eating the food Kara prepared, drinking champagne, and talking. It is, without a doubt, the best date Lena Luthor has ever been on. There’s not even any competition, really. She tells Kara as much and the Kryptonian blushes, telling Lena once again that she deserves it.

The night ends, unsurprisingly, with them making out on the picnic blanket, and it takes everything in Lena’s power not to ask Kara to take her to her bedroom. Really, it only takes Lena thinking about the scars on her thighs, but it still takes more effort than she would have originally thought.

Before she leaves, she insists on helping Kara clean up, and despite Kara’s protests the two women pack up the food and wash the few dishes in the half-dark apartment, staring openly at each other the entire time.

Kara kisses Lena again before she leaves, wrapping her arms around the younger woman’s waist. Despite Lena’s feelings regarding people touching her, especially in areas such as her stomach or any other part of her body that she links even remotely to her eating disorder-related thoughts, she sinks into Kara’s embrace. Lena pulls back, staring into Kara’s blue eyes.

“I love you,” she says, more confident than she ever has before. Kara smiles back as Lena steps away, untangling herself from Kara’s arms and opening the door.

“I love you more.” Kara’s incredibly earnest, and it makes Lena laugh because she doesn’t want to cry.

“I love you more than anything,” Lena says, repeating Kara’s words from last night before stepping out of Kara’s apartment and closing the door behind her.

The whole way home, she tries to ignore the heavy thumping of her heart. It takes her longer than usual—which is saying something, really—to fall asleep that night; she can’t stop thinking of Kara, of Kara’s lips and legs and toned arms, of Kara on top of her, of Kara naked and godlike, of her own scarred body. She wonders how long she’ll be able to hold out, even with the very real threat of rejection looming over her.

 

It takes almost two months for Lena to break. That’s a horrible way to put it, but it’s the best way she can describe it; it takes almost two months before Lena’s absolute want and love break her down enough for her to forget about the reason she was hesitant to sleep with Kara in the first place.

It’s a Saturday, and Lena takes Kara to an early dinner at an upscale restaurant and a show she knows Kara’s been wanting to see. Kara’s entire body lights up when Lena tells her she has tickets, and Lena spends the entirety of dinner watching her girlfriend buzz with excitement.

After the show, they go back to Lena’s apartment. Lena pours a glass of red wine for each of them, despite its lack of effect on Kara, and thinks about the woman in front of her. It doesn’t take long before they’re making out like teenages on Lena’s couch, but this time Lena doesn’t stop her when Kara asks if she wants to move to the bedroom. Instead, she nods, barely suppressing a breathy moan. All she can think about is Kara, and she suddenly has no idea why they haven’t done this already.

Kara picks her up in both arms, and Lena once again feels a rush of heat, though this time she does nothing to try to distract herself. She focuses on the feel of Kara’s strong arms around her, on her blue eyes and lips smeared with Lena’s red lipstick. Within seconds, the red sun lamps Lena had installed—just in case, she’d told Lois, since the only other options were Alex and J'onn—are on and Lena’s lying on her bed with Kara hovering over her, kissing Lena within an inch of her life.

Before Lena even knows it’s happening, her shirt is on the floor and Kara’s reaching around to unclasp her lacy bra. As soon as her bra is off, Kara removes her own mouth from Lena’s, kissing down her neck. When she reaches the soft skin of her breasts, Lena lets out a sound that comes out embarrassingly like a a whine, and she feels Kara smile against her skin. Her teeth graze Lena’s skin and Lena gasps, arching up just to be closer to Kara.

“Fuck, _Kara_ ,” she breathes.

“You’re so beautiful, Lena.”

Lena feels high with the compliment, and can only think to say, “Off,” in return, pulling away from Kara to claw at her clothes. It must be superspeed, Lena thinks, because one second Kara is much too clothed and the next she’s in nothing but a pair of red boyshorts.

 _I am so gay_ , Lena thinks, taking in the woman above her.

“I am so gay,” Lena says. Kara laughs, pulling Lena back into her. Their hands roam over each other, and Lena relishes in the chance to mark Kara’s skin under the red sun lamps, knowing full well that the marks will be gone in the morning. Kara retaliates, and Lena barely cares, even knowing how much work with concealer she’ll have to do to cover up the hickeys.

Lena takes Kara’s nipple in her mouth, sucking the tender, pebbled skin as Kara moans, bucking her hips against Lena’s. Lena brings a hand down, rubbing at Kara and feeling the wet heat through her underwear. Kara pulls her back up to kiss her.

“Want to taste you,” Kara says against her mouth, and all Lena can think is _fuck_ , and also _yes_. She nods frantically, and Kara slides down, resting between Lena’s legs as she undoes the button on her pants. Just as she begins to slide the black fabric down Lena’s legs does Lena remember the issue.

“Wait,” she gasps, frantic, and Kara stops immediately, hands stilling and face drawing into concern. She removes her hands from Lena’s body and sits back, still resting between Lena’s legs. Lena’s eyes are closed, her bare chest heaving, hands balled into fists on either side of her body, and her face flushed red from exertion and embarrassment.

“I’m sorry,” Lena says, eyes still shut.

“No, Lena.” Kara’s voice is firm, but it isn’t enough to make Lena look at her. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“No, Kara, it’s—” She sighs, propping herself up on her elbows at look at Kara. She meets her eyes, but has to look away a second later. “I do, I do want this. More than anything. I just, I’m not sure you will once…” Kara looks so incredibly worried now, and Lena feels her heart drop. She’s doing a terrible job of this.

“Of course I want you, Lee,” Kara says. Lena can hear the confusion in her voice and can only think to shake her head. Kara’s not getting it—of course she’s not; Lena isn’t giving her anything to go off of.

“I don’t know if you will. It’s not, it’s not as bad as it looks, but I know it’s not what you want to see during sex. It’s not sexy and it’s pathetic and I _know_ that, but I do want— God, Kara. I want you so much.” Kara looks incredibly confused. Lena sighs.

“Please—” Lena’s voice catches, and she thinks it’s from the anxiety of it all more than anything. “Please keep going.” Kara shakes her head vehemently.

“Lena, no. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to.”

“No, I— Fuck, Kara. I _do_ want you to.” Kara still isn’t moving, and, though Lena’s not sure what spurs her to do so, she yanks her legs away from Kara and strips her pants off herself, leaving her lying on the bed in nothing but her underwear.

Immediately, Kara’s face changes from confusion to understanding as she sees the practiced, dark pink lines against Lena’s skin. Lena looks away before she has to see Kara’s face change into disgust.

“Oh, Lee,” she whispers. Lena winces. “Of _course_ I still want you.” Lena can’t help that her head shoots up and her chest fills with hope.

“You do?” It sounds pathetic even to her own ears, but Kara is nodding.

“Of course. Come here.” Then she’s pulling Lena back into their earlier position, kissing her softly and straddling her stomach. Lena can feel the damp patch on Kara’s underwear against her own skin, and it’s not long before she’s writhing beneath the Kryptonian, still incredibly nervous, but also incredibly turned on.

Kara kisses down Lena’s body, stopping when she reaches the skin just above the edge of Lena’s underwear. Lena’s hips buck without her permission and she almost hits Kara in the face. Kara laughs, and Lena’s too busy moaning at the feeling of Kara’s breath to be all that embarrassed.

But then Kara’s mouth is against the skin of Lena’s thighs, kissing the scars on her legs and moving up and inward, and Lena feels tears gather in her eyes. But then Kara’s fingers are on the waistband of Lena’s underwear, and she’s looking up at Lena, a smile on her face.

“This alright?” Lena nods, a bit jerky.

“ _Yes_ ,” she gasps. Kara’s grin grows, and she slides Lena’s underwear down her legs. With the absence of the fabric, Lena somehow feels exponentially more turned on; she knows the math is off, but now’s really not the time.

“You’re so beautiful, Lee. So good.” And, look, Lena is adult enough to admit that it’s Kara continued mumbled praise more than anything else that sends her over the edge minutes later, with Kara’s mouth around her clit and fingers curled inside her.

Seconds later, Kara’s face is level with hers again, and she barely stifles a moan at Kara’s shining chin.

“Lena,” she says, the concern evident in her voice. Lena shakes her head.

“I just, later? Please?” Kara hesitates, but nods, letting Lena pull her closer and slip off her underwear.

It’s almost an hour later when Lena slips off the bed and, arms wrapped around her naked body, pads over to her bathroom. Kara’s lying on the mattress, spent and powerless thanks to the lamps, and Lena wants a shower. It’s not even so much about wanting to shower after sex—though, if she’s being honest, she almost always does—as it is about needing to calm down before she has to talk about her horrible coping mechanisms with Kara.

She turns the water almost all the way toward hot, then waits a moment before stepping under the spray. It’s as calming as she knew it would be, and she quickly shampoos and conditions her hair before simply standing under the stream of water. Her head tips back and she feels her shoulders relax. Her hands slowly drift toward the skin of her thighs, and she finds herself tracing the prominent scars. She can do this.

Stepping out of the shower, she wraps a towel around her body and dries her hair just enough to pull back into a ponytail. When she walks back into her room, the red sun lamps are turned off and Kara is sitting up in the bed, wearing a pair of Lena’s Calvin Klein underwear—look, Lena understands the issues with capitalism and wealth distribution and all, but she’s a slut for a brand name—and a short-sleeved Harvard shirt that Lena’s pretty sure used to be Sam’s.

Lena walks over to her dresser, unwrapping the towel from her body and loosely folding it up to place on top of the dresser. She pulls out another pair of Calvins, a deep red, and a matching bralette, slipping them on before grabbing the pink button down shirt Kara had been wearing from the floor. It’s too small in the chest for her to close, but it fits her otherwise, so she leaves it open before joining Kara on the bed. Kara pulls her into her side, stroking her shoulders before she moves one hand to where it hovers above Lena’s thighs. Lena’s not watching her, has her eyes closed, in fact, but she can feel Kara’s hands there.

“May I?” Kara asks. Lena manages to nod, and the next thing she knows she feels Kara’s cool fingers spidering across her scarred skin. Lena sucks in a shaky breath, feeling tears spring once again into her eyes. This time, however, she doesn’t manage to stop them, and she feels tears sliding down her cheeks as she works to control her breathing. She can tell when Kara realizes she’s crying because she hears a soft sigh that sounds a little like her own name.

“Lena, sweetheart,” she says. Lena feels Kara’s hands come to rest on her face, brushing away the tears that keep falling. “Talk to me?” Lena exhales, shaky, of course, and opens her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Kara,” she says, because she can’t think of anything else.

“Please don’t be sorry, Lee. You have nothing to be sorry for. I just want you to talk to me,” she soothes. Lena sighs.

“I know it looks bad,” she starts.

“It looks exactly how it is, Lee. I’m not going to make any assumptions,” Kara assures her. It’s a weird thing to say, but strangely enough it’s comforting.

“It’s… The newest ones are, well, from just before we started dating, actually, but that’s a coincidence, really. I know it’s a horrible way to cope and all, but it’s something I’ve been doing for over a decade, though not much the last three years. I do want you to know that it’s not… I really don’t think it’s something I will do again, and this is the first time I’ve been able to say that and truly mean it. I, it’s not like it’s something I don’t think about or anything, I just… I think it’s finally something I’d really like to not rely on,” Lena explains softly. Kara’s eyes are sad, but she smiles at her girlfriend.

“I’m proud of you, Lee. Even if you don’t believe that, I am very proud of you. This isn’t something I really understand or anything, maybe more than anything because this was never a coping _option_ for me, you know?” Lena can’t help but smile at that, though she thinks she might be smiling at Kara’s candor more than anything.

“So I don’t know when or why you’d want to do this,” Kara continues, “but I hope you feel you can talk to me, or even to Maggie or Alex or Sam or Winn or J’onn or, well, anyone, instead of… hurting yourself, in the future.” Lena nods, suddenly incredibly exhausted and incredibly glad to have this out in the air, if for no other reason than that she can actually have sex with Kara now.

She doesn’t know what to say that will perfectly sum up what she’s feeling for this beautiful woman right now, so just just says, “Thank you, Kara.” Kara smiles, rubbing Lena’s shoulders and pulling the covers up over their legs.

Lena wakes up late the next morning—almost nine o’clock—with a crick in her neck and the lights still on in her room. She slowly untangles herself from Kara, stepping out of the bed and stretching her body out, wincing at the cracks from her back and neck. She looks over at Kara, still sleeping with her mouth open in a way that Lena shouldn’t find as cute as she does, and decides to make breakfast. Leaving her bedroom, she makes the conscious decision to not change into real clothes.

After drinking half of the latte she makes herself, Lena’s feeling much more awake. She starts to pull ingredients out of her cabinets to make a batch or two of vegan pancakes; she still doesn’t keep milk or eggs in her apartment, and if Kara’s going to stay over here she can either eat Lena’s vegan food or buy the ingredients herself, Lena thinks.

Lena’s pretty sure it’s the smell of pancakes and Lena’s veggie sausage that Kara pretends to hate that ultimately wakes Kara up. Kara walks out into the kitchen, hair mussed and still in Lena’s clothes—really, the more she looks at the Harvard shirt, she’s sure it must be Sam’s. Lena, facing the stove, can feel Kara walking up to her, but her heart still flutters when Kara wraps her arms around Lena’s waist, her lips landing on the younger woman’s neck. Lena’s breath stutters and she lets out an airy laugh.

“Kara, darling, if you want food you’ll have to stop distracting me.” Kara sighs, but removes her lips from Lena’s neck, instead resting her head on Lena’s shoulder and following her movements as Lena finishes breakfast. Lena pulls out four plates, stacking the pancakes on one and transferring the veggie sausage to another. She hands them both, with the other two plates stacked under the pancakes, to Kara, pushing her toward the table. Lena grabs two glasses, filling them with water, and follows Kara to the table, grabbing her coffee mug and a bottle of maple syrup on the way. She sets it all back on the table, then turns back to grab a lemon she’d cut up and a little bowl of sugar.

“Do you want coffee or anything?” Lena asks as she takes a seat beside Kara. Kara shakes her head, already halfway through a pancake, watching in half-fake disgust as Lena squeezes lemon and sprinkles sugar onto her pancakes.

“I hate that you do that to pancakes, Lee,” she sighs. Lena laughs, cutting her pancakes up and taking a bite.

“You know you think it’s delicious.” Kara shrugs, feigning innocence.

“Doesn’t mean it’s right,” Kara mutters. Lena smiles, filled with a feeling she can only identify as fondness.

 

Lena’s life feels better after she starts dating Kara. There’s really no difference other than the label and the kissing (and the sex) and the assurance that someone—that _Kara_ —feels the same way about Lena. Still, it makes her feel… lighter, maybe, or happier.

It is, however, terrifying to date Kara, knowing what her job—her second job—entails.

Specifically, it’s a lot worse to be called into the DEO because something or other has gone wrong as Kara’s girlfriend than as Kara’s friend; there’s a lot more pity involved, and Lena’s Not Into It. Further, the heart stopping panic at the thought of losing Kara is more understandable, and that just makes her feel it _harder_. Generally, it’s not great, and yet here Lena is, freaking the fuck out in the DEO.

Lena had expected the day to go fairly typically, except then someone tried to assassinate her _again_ and, in the chaos, an entirely different group that may or may not have also been connected to Lex and Lillian kidnapped her as a hostage to lure Supergirl into a trap; the whole thing made Lena feel so incredibly guilty.

Of course, the trick hadn’t worked as well as Lena’s kidnappers had hoped, mostly because Kara _and_ Clark showed up, but the group of faux-vigilantes still managed to hurt them both, and Lena still shot someone. Which, obviously she’s done before at this point, but it really doesn’t make it feel any better. She doesn’t even remember how she got the gun, but now she’s standing with Alex as Kara and Clark are taken to the med bay. Alex turns and gives her a once-over.

“Come on,” she says. “I need to check you out.” Lena looks down at her body and lifts her fingers up, taking stock; there’s blood on her hand when she pulls it away from her mouth. She’s got rope burn on her wrists, a busted lip, and, weirdly enough, blood on her thighs. She sighs. She’s never wearing white pants again, even in the heat of late July.

A moment too late, she responds to Alex with, “I’m telling Maggie you said that.” Alex rolls her eyes, and then Lena’s following her down the hallways until they get to an empty room that’s either a lab or for medical examinations. Alex tells her to hop up onto a bench, and then she starts pulling out disinfectant and medical supplies.

Alex has just finished cleaning off Lena’s lip—and entire face—when there’s a short knock on the door. Almost immediately after, the door opens, and Lois Lane—because of course—steps through.

“Oh good, you’re both here,” she says. “I just came to tell you that Kara’s completely fine.” Lena feels something loosen in her chest and she hears Alex let out a sigh of relief; even if Alex’s sister is virtually indestructible, it must be hard to see her hurt.

“Clark, too?” Lena asks, because it wouldn’t sit right with her if she didn’t. Lois nods.

“He’s got a strange burn on his shoulder, but it’s superficial.”

“Did you come all the way from Metropolis?” Alex asks.

“No, Clark and I were already in town for a conference. That’s why he was on the scene so quickly.” Alex, back to Lois, rolls her eyes.

“You sound like a journalist.”

“I am a journalist, Ally.” Alex blushes at the nickname. Lena’s eyebrows creep toward her hairline.

“Come on,” Lois says. “Give me a hug.” Alex—surprise—rolls her eyes, but compiles nonetheless, setting down the bloody trash she was holding and letting Lois pull her in. Alex looks incredibly uncomfortable; even with the stress of the day, Lena is _living_ for this.

“You too, Lilo.” Lois is grinning a bit too wide, and Lena gives her a look, eyebrow raised, before slipping off the table to hug her. Before she can, however, she sees something on Lois’ face change.

“What did you do to your legs, Li?” she asks, voice edging on horrified. It takes Lena a few seconds to realize what Lois is talking about, and by this time Alex is watching the two of them, as confused as Lena was just a moment before. Lena’s sure they both see the moment she understands.

“Oh! No, I—” There’s no good way to say this that will both keep Alex from realizing what she’s talking about and let Lois know that she’s fine. “It’s not my blood,” she says, wincing even as the words leave her mouth. Lois’ face softens slightly, but Alex just looks more confused.

“Sorry,” Lois says, then: “Wait— _Jesus_ , Lena, whose is it?” Lena shrugs, recounting the story of how she literally fucking shot someone—again—and is now, somehow, covered in blood. Lena watches Alex out of the corner of her eye the whole time she’s speaking with Lois. She can see gears turning in Alex’s head, and there’s one moment where something sets in the agent’s eyes and her gaze shoots toward Lena and Lena’s sure she _knows_.

She’s even more sure when, instead of making Lena strip so Alex can make sure it really _isn’t_ her blood, Alex just sends her to the shower to wash off. Lena’s incredibly embarrassed and incredibly grateful, and when she makes eye contact with Lois on the way out of the room, the older woman draws her mouth into an apologetic grimace. So Alex definitely knows, then.

It doesn’t end up bothering her as much as she’d expect, mostly because Alex doesn’t say anything about it at all. She doesn’t even make any hints. It makes Lena feel better about it, at least. It’s hard having people know such ~~embarrassing~~ personal things about her.

Alex doesn’t even say anything about it to Kara. Lena knows this because she spends two minutes trying to ask Kara if Alex has brought it up without actually saying any substantial words to her girlfriend. Kara finally gets frustrated with Lena’s vague rambling, and Lena ends up asking her if Alex has mentioned anything about Lena and self-harm. She hasn’t, and Lena’s embarrassed that she has to explain the whole thing—background on Lois walking into the bathroom and all—to Kara.

 

A couple weeks later, Lena comes over for dinner and for Kara to read her a big article she’s been working on. After they eat and Lena listens to Kara read the words she’s written, they, unsurprisingly, end up in Kara’s bed, breathing heavily.

“I love you, Lee,” Kara says. Lena smiles, lazy and stuffed full of love.

“I love you more than anything.” Kara lets out a whine at Lena’s skipping to their practiced final phrase; they both love having the last word. Lena smiles wider, pulling Kara into her chest. Kara drops her head onto her girlfriend’s shoulder, letting Lena intertwine their fingers.

It’s quiet for a moment as Lena strokes her thumb over Kara’s hand, then, “Are you busy this weekend?” Kara asks, lifting her head off of Lena’s shoulder.

“Who’s asking?” Kara rolls her eyes, kissing her on the cheek.

“I was just thinking we could maybe do something, all of us. Like actually do something. Maggie isn’t working this weekend, and neither is Lucy, and Alex has vacation days saved. I thought maybe we could… I don’t know, take a trip or something. J’onn can probably cover Supergirl stuff for me unless something major comes up. We can ask Sam, too, if you’d like.”

Lena can’t help the rush of apprehension she feels at spending time with the women she still thinks of as Kara’s friends. Still, it does sound nice, and Lena can admit that she has a shockingly low workload this weekend. To be fair, she is technically her own boss, and if she can just get Jess to rearrange a couple meetings…

“Lucy was actually the one who suggested it,” Kara continues when Lena doesn’t respond. “James is going to this photography thing, and I’m pretty sure Winn has something, so she thought maybe we could just have a girls’ trip.”

“My fam— I have a beach house,” Lena says finally. “It’s about two hours from here. I have a few things I’d need to do first, but we could leave Saturday and come back late on Sunday, if that worked for everyone.” Kara lets out a squeal that shocks Lena. She springs up off the bed, still naked and not seeming to realize or care.

“Oh my gosh, Lena, that’s amazing. Are you sure that would be alright?” At Lena’s nod, her grin grows. “Rao, I have to call Alex. And Lucy!” And with that, she’s picking her jeans up from the ground and digging through the pockets to find her phone. Lena watches her lazily as Kara paces around her room, asking if that plan works for Alex and Maggie and Lucy. They all eagerly agree, and the next thing Lena knows Kara’s bugging her to call Sam. Lena shoots her a text explaining the plan, and Sam responds quickly.

“Ruby’s actually going to be at a soccer tournament this weekend, so Sam’s good to go if you all still want her to come,” Lena relays to Kara. Kara nods, her head bobbing up and down cartoonishly.

“Of course we do! I like Sam.” Lena laughs, pulling Kara in for a kiss before heaving herself out of Kara’s bed to get dressed.

If she’s going away this weekend—even just for a day or two—she should try to get some extra work in tonight while it’s still early. She tells Kara as much, and though Kara looks skeptical at Lena’s definition of early—"It’s not even nine, Kara, come on.”—she lets Lena leave, even offering to fly her to L-Corp. Lena doesn’t exactly love flying, but even she can admit that it’s incredibly efficient, and if she wants an excuse to spend just a few more minutes with Kara, then so what?

Kara touches down on the balcony of Lena’s office, setting the CEO gently on the ground. Lena turns to kiss her before she goes inside, smiling as Kara reaches up to cup her jaw.

“Love you,” Kara says when Lena finally steps away.

“I love you more, darling.” Lena opens the door to her office, stepping inside and waiting for Kara to continue their obnoxious recitation before closing the doors.

“I love you more than anything, Lee.” Lena blushes despite expecting it, and Kara takes off as Lena shuts the glass doors. Lena moves to the real doors of her office, stepping out to see if Jess is still at work.

Lena is annoyed but unsurprised to see that her assistant is exactly where Lena left her almost three hours ago.

“Jess,” she sighs. Jess looks up, offering her an innocent smile.

“Good evening, Miss Luthor,” Jess smiles, not questioning Lena’s sudden appearance inside her office. Honestly, Lena’s sure Jess has known almost as long as she has; the glasses really don’t seem to do as much as Kara thinks.

“I told you to go home,” Lena says, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Sure, but that was because you said _you_ were going home, and yet, here you are,” Jess quips. Lena sighs, because, of course, Jess is technically correct.

“Well, since you’re here,” Lena says, and launches into a conversation about changing her schedule for Saturday and rescheduling the awkward Sunday conference call. Jess, of course, complies, and Lena leaves that night with a full schedule for tomorrow but an empty Saturday and Sunday.

 

It’s almost noon when they finally leave on Saturday, Alex and Maggie on their bikes and the others piled into Sam’s metallic blue BMW X3. The windows are down, and Kara and Lucy are laughing in the backseat. Lena’s in the front, also laughing, sunglasses perched on her head, with her hair blowing in the wind and scrolling through her music that she’s still a bit nervous about others listening to, even though it’s all stuff thousands, if not millions, of other people listen to.

(She’s more surprised than she’d care to admit when Lucy says that one of the songs Lena plays—one of Kate Nash’s more stripped back pieces—is one of her favorites; none of Lena’s ~~friends~~ “friends” in the past have ever liked the eclectic “sad indie shit” much. Lena knows the music she likes isn’t weird, but that’s really part of the problem; it’s just a few too many inches past mainstream for most people’s taste, apparently.)

Sam hums along in the driver’s seat, making eye contact with Lena and smiling every time Lena turns back around from staring at Kara or laughing at one of her jokes. Lena’s not sure she’s ever felt more like a teeanger than she does now; this is what all those stupid songs are about, isn’t it?

When they pull up to the beach house, Lucy and Kara go silent. Sam’s already been here once, and, besides, she understands the money Lena comes from and the way being a famous CEO works more than the others. Alex and Maggie get there shortly after, and they all spill inside, running through the house and exploring like children. Lena and Kara take the room that’s technically the master but that Lena doesn’t remember Lillian and Lionel ever staying in together, and Maggie and Alex snag a room at the opposite end of the hall, with Lucy and Sam deciding to share a room somewhere between the two.

Lena offers to show them around the beach and the few shops nearby, and by the time they get back with more groceries than they’ll possibly need and new t-shirts, it’s close to six. Lucy and Maggie ask excitedly about the pool, and despite the apprehension and anxiety Lena feels curling in her stomach, she smiles and asks the group if they’d like to go swimming.

While the others are changing into their swimsuits and hurrying out to the pool, Lena stands in the master bathroom, looking over her body in the mirror. She likes the swimsuit; it’s a simple black one-piece with thin straps, that corset-esque detailing in the front, and some similar straps at the base of her back. She likes the swimsuit, and she doesn’t even think she looks bad in it—actually, she looks pretty good, hair pulled back loosely and extremely light waterproof makeup on. It’s just, well, her legs.

It’s been over three months at this point, but she’ll be the first to admit that she did some serious superficial damage the last—and she hopes she means that, that it will be the last—time she cut herself, and the scars colored a purplish pink are _very_ visible. Even the older ones aren’t exactly _not_ obvious; it’s bright outside, and she knows the white and slightly pink-tinged scars are incredibly noticeable, as well.

The swimsuit’s cut just high enough that she can trace a few of the scars on her hips under the seam, but those are all much older. It’s really just the ones on her legs she’s freaking out about. Besides Lois and Kara, still only medical professionals, Jack, and past hookups have seen them. It’s beyond terrifying to think about the people she cares about reacting poorly.

Logically, she knows that they won’t, but it’s the fact that they’ll know something so personal about her just by her walking out to the pool. She can’t help but worry someone will say something that sounds a little too Lillian for her not to cry. She’s gotten really bad at not crying lately, what with all the people just _letting_ her.

She realizes she’s been in the bathroom for too long when she jumps at a knock on the door.

“Lena?” Kara calls.

“It’s unlocked.” The door opens behind her, and she watches through the mirror as Kara starts to step inside, catches sight of Lena in the mirror, and promptly trips over the threshold as Lena turns to face her. Lena can’t help but laugh, her lips settling into a satisfied smirk as Kara straightens herself, face red.

“Rao, Lena,” Kara whispers, eyes raking over her girlfriend’s body, and Lena can’t help but share the sentiment. Kara’s in a high-necked royal blue bikini, and it shows off her toned stomach and legs. Her glasses are off and she looks full Supergirl, blonde hair cascading over her shoulders. Lena wouldn’t be surprised if she’d walked right out of Sports Illustrated.

Lena looks up from downright ogling Kara. Kara’s eyes soften as Lena meets her gaze. She steps closer, placing her hands on Lena’s waist.

“You look beautiful, Lena.” Lena shakes her head, and as Kara starts to protest, Lena shakes her head again.

“No, it’s not that. I don’t think I look bad, it’s just… You know.” She still has trouble saying it out loud, as often as she’s thought the words in her own head over the years.

“You look beautiful, Lena,” Kara repeats. “All of you.” Lena exhales loudly, pulling away from Kara to pinch the bridge of her nose.

“It’s not… I don’t hate how they look, Kara,” she sighs. “I know that’s probably weird and maybe gross, but I don’t. At all, really. I just don’t want your friends to see me differently, I guess. No one I actually care about has ever seen, besides you and Lois.”

“You’ve got to stop calling them my friends, Lee. They’re just as much yours.” Lena meets Kara’s eyes in the mirror, squinting to show her disagreement.

“Hey,” Kara says, stepping up behind Lena and wrapping her a in a hug. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We can just sit.” Lena seriously considers it for a minute, but ultimately shakes her head.

“No. I should do this. I haven’t been swimming with people since high school,” she admits. Kara smiles at her through the glass, planting a kiss on her cheek.

As they walk through the kitchen toward the glass doors, Lena in her waterproof Birkenstocks Kara teased her mercilessly for owning—black EVA Arizonas, thanks very much—and Kara in pink flip-flops from Old Navy, Lena’s hands start to shake. Noticing, Kara grabs her right hand and squeezes comfortingly. Lena takes a deep breath.

They walk out the door and toward the pool, hands clasped and plastic shoes slapping against the wooden decking. As they near the stairs leading down to the pool, Lena sees Maggie, Alex, and Sam already in the water, while Lucy sits on the edge in a red bikini swinging her legs. Lena suddenly feels like she might vomit.

As they walk down the steps, Lucy looks up at them, grinning fondly. The women in the water are splashing each other like children, too distracted to notice Kara and Lena’s arrival; despite her mounting anxiety, Lena feels a surge of fondness. She glances back to Lucy, squinting against the sun beginning to move toward the horizon, and she sees the moment the woman notices. Her face goes almost blank for a second, then she raises her eyes to meet Lena’s. Lucy winks at her, and for a moment Lena sees the resemblance to Lois. Lena feels something break inside her chest, and she’s flooded with relief. She’s sure Lucy must notice; she can physically feel the tension leaving her body.

Other than Maggie, Lucy was the only one who had no idea about what was on Lena’s legs. Sure, none of the others have seen, but she doubts Alex will be particularly surprised—what with Lois’ lack of subtlety—and Sam _definitely_ knows, since she knew Lena during grad school and Lena had bandaids on her thighs that one time they hooked up in a dark bathroom, so Lucy was probably the person she was most worried about; Maggie doesn’t know about _this_ , but she knows about some things, so Lena would be very unpleasantly surprised if she reacted poorly.

Still holding Kara’s hand, Lena raises her other arm to shield the sun from her eyes, still squinting against the light as she steps towards the pool steps. The others stop splashing, Maggie and Alex facing away from Kara and Lena, but Sam catches sight of them.

“Ugh, finally,” Sam calls, throwing herself back against the water dramatically. Her torso in her white swimsuit is almost blinding to Lena, but she can see well enough to spot Sam mouth what she thinks is “Proud of you” from behind Alex and Maggie. She rolls her eyes, smiling softly, as she steps into the water. Kara’s let go of her hand and is now running toward the deeper end of the pool to, Lena presumes, catapult herself into the water. Lena can’t help but smile, eyes widening as she starts to finally adjust to the sunlight.

Alex and Maggie both turn toward her then, and Lena feels another surge of panic as she sees both women’s eyes fix on ~~her~~ the skin of her upper thighs. Alex doesn’t react at all and is distracted moments later when Kara does, in fact, catapult herself into the water. Maggie laughs as Alex, closest to Kara’s entry point, yelps, but she keeps her eyes on Lena, smiling softly in a sad sort of way.

She makes her way deeper into the pool toward the other women. A few minutes later, standing almost chest deep, Sam swims over to her.

“I _am_ proud of you, Lena,” she says softly, treading water. Lena tries to wave it off, but Sam doesn’t let her. “Everyone here knows how important your public appearance is to you, and it’s not a small thing to show such a personal part of yourself.” Lena shrugs. Sam points at something over Lena’s shoulder and, distracted by her kind words, Lena turns. Not even a second later, something latches around Lena’s ankles and her legs are forcefully yanked from under her. She lets out a horrifically undignified squeal, and she’s just able to hear the others’ delighted laughs before she’s under the water.

When she comes back up, disgruntled and spluttering, she sees a wet Kara standing in front of her, grinning. Lena glares, pushing the loose parts of her hair away from her face. She can hear Sam and Alex cackling. She continues to glare at Kara. Kara seems to fold slightly under her gaze; Lena hasn’t spent hours upon hours in the boardroom without learning anything.

“Aw, Lee. Come on,” she whines. “It was funny.” Lena doesn’t say anything, fighting not to break her resolve at Kara’s pout. “Lena,” Kara draws her name out, swimming closer, somehow pouting _more_.

She wraps her arms around Lena’s waist, planting her feet on the bottom of the pool and leaning in to kiss her girlfriend. Lena can feel herself literally melt into Kara, and it starts Alex and Sam laughing anew. When Kara pulls away, Lena rolls her eyes, though she’s sure her entire face is shining with adoration.

Moments later, Lena decides the pool maybe isn’t for her, though, and swims toward the edge where Lucy is sitting. As she passes Sam, the older woman barks out, “Whipped,” barely even pretending to cover it with a false cough, and Lena jabs an elbow into her side. Sam shrieks and she sees Lucy grin as she grabs onto the edge and hoists herself out of the water.

Lena pulls her hair out of the loose bun, slipping the band onto her wrist and running her fingers through her hair an a rather futile attempt to work out the tangles.

She and Lucy don’t say much, both content to bask in the warmth and laugh at the grown women splashing about the pool. Still, Lena keeps herself bent forward with her arms over her lap in an obvious attempt to hide the scars on her legs. She knows Lucy notices, but she doesn’t say anything.

After about half an hour, Lucy suggest that she and Lena grab some drinks for the kitchen. The sky is painted beautiful oranges and pinks, now, and it will be dark sooner than any of them expect. Lena nods, pushing herself up to follow Lucy into the house, pausing on the way to slip her feet into shoes. When they get inside, Lucy and Lena begin to look through the kitchen, Lucy pulling beers and cranberry juice from the fridge as Lena tries to remember which cabinet has the vodka.

Lena’s doing alright with the whole ‘walking around in a swimsuit’ thing, but every time she turns away from the walls or counters, her hands instinctively move to cover her thighs. Eventually, Lucy sighs. Lena barely contains her grimace.

“No one’s going to jump out of the woodwork with cameras, you know,” Lucy drawels, and it makes Lena laugh despite her discomfort.

“You’d be surprised.” She glances up at Lucy, then back down to the bottle of vodka in her hands. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being especially skittish.” Lucy waves her hand, dismissing the apology. “People have never liked me much, and I don’t usually like to give anyone any leverage over me. No one else who actually knows me personally has seen besides Jack and Kara and, well, Lois.” Lena looks back up in time to see Lucy’s eyebrows shoot toward her hairline.

“Do tell,” Lucy says as Lena moves toward the island with the bottle.

“Oh no,” Lena laughs. “You’d make _so_ much fun of me.” Lucy shrugs.

“You’re right. I probably would.” She starts to move the drinks onto a tray with tall sides Lena’s procured. “Maybe I should call Lois and ask her.”

“Maybe you definitely should _not_.” Lucy laughs. As they leave the kitchen, Lucy balancing the tray of glasses and bottles of beer and Lena holding a bottle of vodka and a bottle of wine, Lucy turns serious.

“You shouldn’t have to worry about people using something like that against you. It’s incredibly unfair that people would be so cruel,” Lucy says.

“You’d be surprised,” Lena says, repeating her earlier statement with a lot less humor. Lucy glances over to her, eyes sad, and bumps her hips against Lena’s.

“I’d slap your ass, but my hands are full.” Lena can’t help but let out a bark of laughter. She shakes her head.

“Sometimes you remind me so much of your sister.” Lucy stares at her for a couple seconds as they cross the deck.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” she says decisively.

“You should.”

They stop at the top of the stairs with the drinks, and Lucy calls, “It’s time to get out.” The other women do as she says, hauling themselves out of the pool.

“Hey, Luthor, do you have towels?” Alex asks as Maggie wrings her hair out beside her. Alex shivers, wrapping her arms around her bare torso, and Lena nods, setting the two bottles down on the steps before dashing down to a cabinet, pulling out a stack of beach towels. She passes them out to Alex, Maggie, Sam, and Kara, then grabs two more for Lucy and herself; it’s August, but it still gets chilly when it’s dark, especially in a bathing suit.

As the other girls dry off and everyone makes their way back up onto the deck, Lena fights the urge to leave and grab a pair of shorts from her room. It’s almost dark, now, and Lena’s switched on the (rather embarrassing) fairy lights she has. They pull cushions from the patio furniture into a circle on the wooden flooring. Once they’re all settled, Lena and Lucy pass out drinks, handing beers to Alex and Maggie, wine to Kara—who won’t get drunk but likes the taste, thanks to Lena—and Sam, and mixing vodka cranberries for themselves.

It’s not until everyone’s at least a drink in that Lucy suggest truth or dare. Alex groans.

“No, Luce, I don’t wanna have to do anything,” she whines.

“Okay fine. Truth or truth,” Lucy shrugs. “No!” she says, snapping her fingers dramatically. “Group truth or truth. One person asks, everyone answers.” The others shrug their agreement, and by the time Lena’s second turn is over, she’s feeling pleasantly drunk. Lucy nods out of nowhere, downing the last of her drink before asking her question.

“Okay. Who made— None of you are straight, right?” she asks; the question is clearly directed at Sam.

“Aggressively bisexual,” Sam says, raising her beer.

“Emphasis on ‘aggressive,’” Lena can’t help but snort. Sam flips her off as the others laugh, then Lucy returns to her question.

“Who made you realize you liked girls?” she asks, leaning back to drain the last of her drink. Lena feels a sense of dread rise up in her gut, but it’s much more mundane than usual. There’s a strict no lying rule here, with passing allowed but frowned upon; Lena’s going to have to talk about Lois.

Alex, next to Lucy, is up first. She shrugs. “You all know it was Maggie.” Despite her nonchalance, there’s a pink tint to her cheeks. Everyone coos as Maggie kisses Alex on the cheek, pulling her into her side. Maggie pauses for a moment to think before speaking.

“I think it’s a three-way tie from when I was ten between Gillian Anderson, in the X-Files, obviously, Jennifer Lopez as Selena, and Ms. Honey in Matilda. Generally pretty classic. Also this girl in my fifth grade class, I guess.”

“Uh,” Sam starts. “I liked a girl in my English and precal classes named Heather Cooper when I was sixteen. The first onscreen was Lara Croft a few months later.” Lena pulls her knees up to chest and takes a sip of her vodka cranberry, trying her best not to get too drunk, but already feeling a little loose and warm. She sets the drink down and wraps her right arm loosely around her legs.

“Kara?” Lucy prompts from Lena’s other side. Kara nods.

“I mean, it was different on Krypton, so it’s not like I didn’t already know when I got here, but I also didn’t realize it was something I needed to know.” She shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess the first girl I actually noticed myself liking was—oh Rao, this is so embarrassing. You guys are gonna tease me.” Lena moves her arm behind Kara, rubbing her back soothingly as no one denies it. “It was Quinn on Zoey 101 when I was fifteen.” Kara drops her face into her hands. Lena’s the only one actually young enough to know who Kara’s talking about, but Alex and Maggie were both older siblings, and Ruby went through a phase of watching that a couple years ago, so Lucy’s the only one who _really_ doesn’t know whom Kara’s talking about.

"That’s the nerdy one, right?” Sam asks. At Kara’s nod, face still hidden, she laughs. “I can’t believe Lena ever worried she wasn’t your type,” she laughs.

“Sam,” Lena hisses; she doesn’t think it’s dark enough to hide the blush on her face. Everyone but Kara laughs.

“And you were fifteen at this time?” Maggie asks. Kara gives a muffled confirmation. “Well,” Maggie nods, “we all make mistakes.” Kara groans.

“Wait, okay. I need to see picture of this girl,” Lucy says. Lena’s already pulling out her phone, typing _quinn zoey 101_ into Safari. She passes the phone to Lucy, who squints her eyes, grinning.

“Okay,” she says slowly. “I mean, she’s very pretty, it’s just…”

“The hair?” Alex supplies.

“The clothes?” Maggie adds. Lucy nods.

“Just that, yeah.”

“I _know_ ,” Kara whines. Lena laughs at her, running her palm over the beach towel covering Kara’s back.

“You should’ve seen what Kara wanted to wear,” Alex says, clearly grinning. Kara’s head shoots up.

“Alex. Please.” Alex smirks at her.

“It was like, fifth grade chic for the early 2000s, but she was fifteen. I think I might have some pictures.” She scrolls through her phone. As she does, Kara picks up her own phone, and Lena can see her looking through her own pictures. Triumphant, Alex holds out her phone to the rest of the circle. Kara glances up, groans, and everyone leans closer to see the picture.

It’s Kara grinning widely as an early teenager, wearing light boot cut jeans, flip-flops, a short pink skirt over the jeans, and a black tank top with a rainbow peace sign over a short-sleeve white button up. The look is completed by a strangely sparkly necklace, a surprisingly bulky denim flat top cap, and pink glasses. Lena looks over to her girlfriend, studying her phone.

“Oh, Kara,” she says. Kara only glances up long enough to stick her tongue out at Lena. She looks back to her phone for a few more seconds as the others laugh at her picture, then lets out a shout of accomplishment.

“Alright,” she says. “In my defense, I had only been on Earth for two years. In Alex’s defence is nothing, since she had lived on Earth her entire life.” Lena watches as Alex’s face falls comically. Maggie’s, on the other hand, absolutely lights up.

“That was 2005, Alex?” Alex nods, sighing and running a hand through her short hair. “Okay, here’s Alex when she was seventeen.” She holds her phone out to the others, and the picture is the exact opposite of the one Alex showed of Kara.

For one thing, Alex is not smiling, and in fact looks very unhappy to be in the situation where her photo was being taken. Her hair is longer, a few inches below her shoulder blades, and much darker, with the bottom few inches dyed a shocking red. She’s wearing black Converse and black skinny jeans, with her arms, covered in bracelets, crossed over a black My Chemical Romance t-shirt.

“Aw,” Maggie coos, “baby gay Alex.” Alex blushes even deeper when Maggie pulls her closer to ruffle her hair. In the picture, Alex’s angry face is made up with dark eye makeup, but the most surprising part of the picture might be the lip ring.

“Is that…” Lucy trails off, grinning with glee. She looks between Alex, looking almost as grumpy as she does in the picture, and Kara, smiling. Kara nods enthusiastically. “Do you still have the piercing?” Lucy asks.

“It’s mostly grown over. I only wore it for about a year.” At everyone’s expectant stares, Alex sighs, motioning to a just visible dot Lena had always assumed was a freckle near the corner of her bottom lip. Lucy whoops, and Kara grins smugly, pulling back her phone.

“Alright,” Lucy claps. “That was the best thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s still Lena’s turn.” Lena had really been hoping they’d forget about that.

“Oh God,” she laughs, running her hand through her messy hair and blocking her face with her arm. “I really don’t think that’s…”

“No, no, no, Lena.” Lucy’s grinning. “You have to tell.”

When Lena doesn’t budge, Maggie says, “Come on, Luthor. It can’t be that bad?” Lena barely hides her glance over to Lucy.

“In this company?” she laughs. “I’m not sure it could be worse.” After another moment of silent stares, Lena finally relents. “Eleven years old, Lois Lane.” Immediately, Lucy pulls a face of disgust, but barely a second later her entire being absolutely lights up. Lena hides her face in her knees, and now Kara is the one rubbing her back.

“Oh you were absolutely right,” Lucy says, voice shining with unbridled glee. “I am _never_ going to let you live this down.” Lena groans, having expected nothing less. She can hear Sam full on laughing, and she blindly raises a hand to show her middle finger in Sam’s direction; it only makes her laugh louder.

“So,” Lucy says. “What was about my sister that made you realize you were gay?” Lena can feel her face burning.

“She was just nice to me,” she whines, voice muffled against her legs. Lucy snorts. “And she’s pretty.”

“She is,” Alex agrees, causing Lucy to gasp dramatically.

“Alex Danvers, as I live and breathe. Did you have the hots for my sister, as well?” Alex shakes her head at Lucy’s wording, but shrugs.

“In retrospect? Yes, definitely.” Lucy looks like someone’s told her she’s won the lottery without her ever buying tickets.

“This might be the best day of my life,” Lucy says. As the laughter dies down, Lena finally raises her head, curling into Kara’s side, and Alex starts to speak.

“Um,” she hums, squinting her eyes. “Did you go to prom?” she asks. “Much less drama, hopefully.” Maggie laughs, squeezing Alex’s shoulder.

“I did not,” she says simply.

“I was prom queen,” Sam says after a moment’s consideration, ignoring Alex’s delighted grin.

“I did,” Kara nods.

“We called it Spring Formal because it was this joint dance with one of the boys’ schools, but yes, I did go.” Lucy nods beside her.

“My school was co-ed, but we also called it Spring Formal. My friends and I went, spiked the punch, and left, so if that counts, then yes I did go.” Beside Lena, Kara rolls her eyes at Lucy’s story.

Maggie asks who the first girl everyone slept with was, and Alex hisses, “Maggie” and jabs her in the stomach. Lena shares the sentiment as Sam, up first, smirks at her.

“Lena Luthor,” she says, and Lena groans. Everyone’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Oh _really_ ,” Alex says. Sam nods, confident.

“Yes really. The first girl I thought I slept with turned out to be a trans guy, and then I mostly slept with guys, and then I had Ruby, so yep. Lena.” Kara laughs beside her.

“Mine was also Lena,” she says, and Lena rolls her eyes as Sam holds up her hand for a high five.

“Veronica Sinclair,” Lena says, trying to quickly move along. “Lucy’s turn.”

“Wait,” Alex says before Lucy can speak. “Isn’t that…” she trails off, and Lena nods, sighing.

“Roulette? Yes, but in my defense I was sixteen.” Thankfully, Lucy seems to sense Lena’s very real discomfort and starts to talk before anyone can ask more questions.

“Alright. Mine was a girl named Amy my second year at West Point.” Maggie’s eyebrows draw together.

“Alex said you were straight.” Lucy shrugs, cocking an eyebrow.

“You and Alex talk about me often?” Maggie laughs.

“Just trying to teach Alex that not only is her gaydar shit, but my gaydar is _the_ shit. It’s a lesson that just keeps on teaching, apparently,” she says. Beside her, Alex seethes, looking every bit the part of a grumpy girlfriend. Lucy shrugs again, this time in a “what can I say?” kind of way.

“I mean, to be fair to Alex, I’m straighter than all of you, for sure.”

“To be fair to Alex, because I love her and don’t want her to get a big head, I’m pretty sure Kara’s the bar, and she’s _in love with a woman_ , so.” The rest of the group laughs, and Lena’s glad that she’s not the one getting teased anymore, even though she didn’t really mind them bugging her.

Lucy then turns to Alex, raising an eyebrow expectantly. Lena expects Alex to say Maggie, and she can tell Kara does, too, because when what comes out of Alex’s mouth is, “Lucy,” Kara chokes on air. Maggie tries to hide her amused smile.

“Alex,” she gasps when she finally manages to breathe again, “you didn’t tell me that!” Alex shrugs, blushing.

“It was right after all the stuff with Maggie went down. You were so nice about all of that, and I didn’t really think it was worth mentioning,” she shrugs.

“Ouch,” Lucy says, slapping a hand over her heart. Alex rolls her eyes.

“Oh, fuck off. You know what I meant.”

"Wait," Lucy cuts in before Kara can say anything else. "And you thought I was  _straight_?" Alex shrugs.

" _You_  say you're straight."

"Okay, fair, but really?" Alex just sighs, and Maggie and Lucy both laugh.

“So basically,” Sam says, “what I’m hearing is that we can divide ourselves into people who’ve slept with Lena, and people who’ve slept with Alex.” Lena and Alex both go red at that, but the other three laugh.

“Just take your turn, asshole,” Lena tells her. Sam laughs, but does.

“I don’t know, what’s your favorite color?”

“Green,” Kara says decisively, glancing over to Lena; it takes Lena a moment to realize that Kara’s talking about her eyes, and she ducks her head, trying to hide her smile.

“That’s so gay, Kara,” Alex says from across the circle. Kara shrugs, smiling. Lena stands by her own answer of gray, despite the others’ protests and groans.

“It’s versatile,” she defends. Lucy rolls her eyes, gives her answer of purple, and it moves to Alex.

“Maroon.”

“Green,” Maggie says. “Like my swimsuit, not Lena’s eyes.” Lena laughs at that, and settles more into Kara. Kara asks the group what the best decision they ever made was. Lena pauses for a moment to think, not wanting to sound too sappy but realizing she literally doesn’t have another answer.

“Going to the first game night Kara invited me to,” she says, ignoring the teasing that comes with it. Lucy says hers was taking a job with the DEO, and Alex, after a brief pause, agrees.

“My life would be a whole lot different if J’onn hadn’t offered me a job,” she says.

Maggie smiles and says, “Moving to National City.” Sam makes eye contact across the circle with Lena as she speaks.

“March 14, 2015, trying to visit my friend Drew.” Lena feels her heart swell, and she can’t help but smile as she meets Sam’s eyes; she can tell that Sam’s a little further gone than she is—it’s probably the child she has and the lowered alcohol tolerance that comes with it and all—and that she means well, and it really does make Lena feel warm.

Still, she says, “Pick another.” Sam shrugs.

“It’s true, Lee.”

“Please, Sam? I don’t want to do this right now.” Sam nods, eyes softer than Lena usually sees them, and as Lena watches her think, Lucy asks if that was when they fucked. Lena can’t help but laugh, despite the discomfort settling in her chest. Sam pulls a face.

“No, I— God, no,” Lena says.

“What was it, then?” Lucy asks. Sam winces as she makes eye contact with Lena.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I wasn’t thinking.” Lena shrugs, almost resigned to just let it happen. When neither of them answer immediately, Alex speaks up.

“That was during Lex’s trial, wasn’t it?” she says slowly. Lena nods, pulling away from Kara to curl in on herself. Kara lets her, but looks worried. Lena sighs; there’s just no good way to bring it up.

“Just after I finished my testimony and everything, yes,” she whispers. She takes a deep breath. This is happening, apparently. She takes one last glance at Sam, looking at her with sympathy in her eyes and an apology on her face, before fixing her gaze on the ground.

“The first time I tried to kill myself,”—she ignores the poorly disguised gasps from Kara and Lucy—"one of our house staff found me. The second time, Sam did.” She can’t make her throat work for a minute, and Alex is, surprisingly, the one who speaks.

“You don’t have to do this, Lena,” she says, and Lena shrugs, pulling her body more tightly together. She looks to Sam, desperate. Sam raises her eyebrows in question, and when Lena keeps her eyes fixed on Sam’s, she nods.

“One of Lena’s roommates was in my same program and we were friends,” Sam starts. “I went by their apartment to try to see her one day, because she’d left her keys in the library and I assumed she’d want them back. No one answered when I knocked, so I let myself in with the keys I had, thinking I’d just leave them on the table if no one was home. Drew and Alisha weren’t home, but Lena was, except when I opened the door to her room, she was halfway to passing out, since she’d taken like an entire bottle of Ambien with vodka. She was… really out of it, and it was terrifying.”

Lena’s kept still through the story, curled into herself, hoping that Kara doesn’t try to reach out at this point. She’s never told her about this. When she hears Sam’s voice thicken, though, she can’t help but tense. Rather than Kara, however, it’s Lucy who, without removing her eyes from Sam or moving much at all, extends her left hand to Lena, bumping it against her waist. Lena’s surprised to find she’s relieved, and she drops her right hand from where it’s been around her legs, and lets Lucy take it in her own, squeezing softly. Lena doesn’t look at her, but the act makes some of the tightness in Lena’s chest dissolve.

“I called an ambulance, made Lena throw up, and shoved her into a hoodie and carried her downstairs.” Before Sam can continue, Alex cuts her off, just drunk enough to be unable to stop herself.

“You’re not supposed to make people throw up,” she says, eyebrows drawing together in concern. “Sorry,” she adds a beat later. Lena laughs, a little too dry, before Sam can say anything.

“ _She_ didn’t make me throw up,” Lena says, her voice a little too loud to her own ears. “She physically forced me drink a Nalgene of water, and then she made me make myself throw up.” Lena pauses, shrugging. God, these people are going to know literally everything about her. “She knew I knew what I was doing. It was probably the best course of action.” Lena’s heart clenches as she hears Kara take in a shaky breath beside her; she can tell she’s crying, but she can’t bring herself to look at her. Lucy gives her hand a squeeze.

“Thankfully the press hadn’t figured out which apartment building Lena actually lived in, so the whole ambulance thing was alright. Expensive as hell, but not as much of an issue I had worried about. Lena had passed out by this point, and I told the EMTs they couldn’t let people see that Lena Luthor was being brought into the hospital, and though one of the guys was incredibly rude about it, a woman agreed, adamant that the press shouldn’t know something like this unless Lena chose to tell them.

“They took her in, pumped her stomach, and then four days later she came back to her apartment and went back to her classes. She did get a new therapist, which was basically what the doctors suggested, so.” Sam shrugs, meeting Lena’s eyes across the circle. There’s a pause where the only sound is Kara trying to muffle her tears, then Maggie coughs.

“Alright. I think that’s enough of this. Why don’t we all go change, then we can figure out some dinner and watch a movie?” Alex and Lucy loudly agree, and before Lena really knows what’s happening, Lucy is pulling her to her feet, slinging an arm around her shoulder, beach towel and all, and leading her inside. Sam catches her in the living room, nudging her shoulder. Lena turns to make sure Kara’s not there just yet, and she sees her silhouette still outside, latched onto Alex and shaking. Lena’s heart clenches and she knows it’s her fault.

“Hey,” Sam says, bumping against Lena again so she’ll meet her eyes. “I’m really sorry about that. I was not thinking, and it was incredibly unfair of me to do that.” Lena shakes her head. It’s strange to find that she almost doesn’t care.

“Please don’t worry about it. It was really sweet.” Sam looks incredibly skeptical of Lena’s response, but Lena smiles, heading up the stairs toward the bedrooms and pulling the towel more tightly around her shoulders. “I just hope Kara doesn’t… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, now,” Lena admits halfway up the stairs.

“She loves you a lot, Lee. It’s a hard thing to hear about someone you love, but she knows you haven’t done anything wrong.” Lena shrugs, and before Sam steps into the room she’s sharing with Lucy, she pulls Lena into a tight hug, rubbing her back and rocking back and forth. Lena, still wrapped tightly in her towel, is curled up against Sam, and she barely manages to contain the sobs suddenly threatening to spill out, and Sam holds her until she feels like she can breathe again.

Lena closes the door to the bedroom behind her, dropping the towel into a laundry hamper. She feels sticky with salt from the pool—even though she was only in for a few minutes—and decides to quickly rinse off in the shower. She slips into the bathroom, turns on the water, peels off her slightly damp swimsuit, and spends less than a minute under the still-warming spray.

When she steps back out, she wraps a fresh towel around her body and faces herself in the mirror. She turns on the sink, running her hands under the cool water before pressing them beneath her eyes. Her hair is as much of a mess as she expected, so she grabs her hairbrush, working through her tangled hair and hating the way it turns fluffy. After she’s done, she pulls it up into another bun, picks her swimsuit up from the floor to hang on the towel rack, and moves back into the bedroom.

Kara’s still not back. Lena feels herself getting tenser by the second, but she pulls on a plain Calvin Klein cotton thong and a matching bralette—so she likes matching underwear; sue her—and then a pair of black Calvin Klein lounge pants. She feels, as Winn would say, too boujee, but it’s comfortable, and at least she knows it matches. She’s tugging a soft long-sleeve gray MIT shirt—pocket on the front and the name down the left sleeve in red—when Kara opens the door, eyes red and looking nervous. Lena adjusts the shirt against herself, unable to meet Kara’s eyes. She’s suddenly unsure what to do with her hands, and they hover somewhere around her stomach, fluttery.

“I’m sorry for reacting that way,” Kara says, and Lena’s head shoots up, eyes wide.

“What? No, Kara, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Neither did you.” Lena shrugs, wrapping her arms around herself. Kara’s eyes go sad all over again, and she steps toward Lena, still in her bikini and damp from the water. Their bodies still a few inches apart, Kara leans toward Lena, giving her a quick kiss before pulling away, moving toward her suitcase.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Lena whispers. Kara straightens, holding a pair of Nike shorts and a NCU sweatshirt, and turns back to Lena.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, sweetheart. I just love you more than anything, and I hate thinking about you hating yourself so much.” Lena manages a soft smile, but can’t make herself unwrap her arms from her body.

“Hey, I promise I’m not mad or disappointed or disgusted or whatever it is you’re worried about, Lee. Do you…” Kara pauses. “You said that was the second time. Do you want to tell me about the first?” Lena can’t help but flinch, and Kara almost takes it back, but Lena’s nodding. She moves to sit on the bed, and starts to talk as Kara continues to get dressed, walking in and out of the bathroom to grab a towel or a hairbrush.

“There’s really not much to tell. I was fourteen, I lived with an adopted family who either hated me or didn’t have time for me, I was starting at a prestigious school at the end of the summer, and I hated myself. I drank a mug of bleach, and then poured another and passed out and dropped it on the ground. Louisa, one of the cleaning staff, heard the crash and used her key to get into the bathroom. The rest is pretty much what you’d expect. It was, uh, incredibly painful, and required a lot of work from the doctors, I know.” By the time she finishes speaking, Kara’s dressed, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail and her glasses back on. She kneels in front of Lena, trying to meet Lena’s eyes despite her bowed head.

“Thank you for telling me that, Lena. I know it can’t be easy to talk about, and I’m glad you trust me enough to know that.” Lena smiles at her, face slightly pink. Kara stands back up, taking a seat beside her girlfriend on the bed and pulling the younger woman into her. She runs her fingers along Lena’s back, humming a lullaby she doesn’t quite remember. Lena sighs, sinking into the feeling of being held.

“Kara?” Kara looks down, humming her acknowledgement. “I should probably tell you something else, but I think you might already know.” Kara nods, even though Lena can’t see her. Lena takes a deep breath. “I had an eating disorder for, uh, kind of a long time. It’s… I’m still working on it. I just, you should know that.”

Kara’s fingers stop their spider work, and she nudges Lena up off her lap. Lena sits up, legs curled under her, and Kara places her hands on either side of Lena’s jaw. She stares into Lena’s eyes.

“I am so, so proud of you, Lena.” Lena’s eyelids flutter closed and Kara hears her choke down a gasp, but now isn’t the time. “Thank you for telling me. Thank you for letting me know you.” She leans in, and as their lips meet, Lena’s hands twitch uselessly before settling on Kara’s back. The kiss isn’t anything spectacular in and of itself, but it’s soft and Lena can feel how much Kara means it, and it’s more than Lena ever could have wanted.

Lena’s the one that pulls away, smiling slightly. She takes in Kara and her red-rimmed eyes. She’s the most beautiful person Lena’s ever seen.

“We should head downstairs,” Lena whispers. Kara pouts.

“But I like kissing you.” If someone had told Lena a year ago that she would have a group of friends staying in her beach house, that she would have a beautiful girlfriend who makes her feel like she’s worth something, that she would tell all these women pretty much everything about her, and that she would still feel this light, she would have laughed. Now, however, it feels like the most natural thing in the world.

“Come on,” she says, taking Kara’s hand and pulling her up off of the bed. Kara continues to pout, but follows suit as Lena slips on a pair of socks that Alex bought her—they’re blue with vine-like flowers and say “I’m a delicate fucking flower"—in thanks for helping the DEO. Kara’s own socks are fuzzy with penguins on them; Lena adores them.

When they get downstairs, hand in hand, Sam’s in the kitchen and Alex and Lucy are lounging on the sectional Lena never imagined she’d have enough company for.

“Finally,” Alex groans. “We can’t figure out how to turn on the TV, Luthor.” Lena’s eyebrows draw together, her mouth quirking up at the corner. She drops Kara’s hand and walks over, grabbing the remote that rests on top of the television.

“You just”—Lena aims the remote at the TV, clicking the power button—”press the ‘on’ button,” she says, watching Alex blush as the screen lights up.

“Oh,” Alex says simply. Lena laughs.

“What do you want to watch?” she asks, bringing up the main menu and hovering over the Netflix icon.

“ _Queer Eye_?” Lucy asks, and Alex shrugs.

“Haven’t seen it,” she says. Lucy looks shocked, turning to Kara and Lena.

“I haven’t either,” Kara says. Lucy’s dramatic shock only grows, and Lena holds her hands up in mock surrender.

“Don’t kill me. I told her to watch it.” Lucy lets out a—surprise, dramatic—sigh, before craning her neck to see Sam in the kitchen. Sam looks at her with a mockingly apologetic look on her face.

“Sorry,” she says. “I’m really only watching Disney Channel, musicals, and sitcoms right now.” Lucy groans, telling them that they're terrible gays, and Lena takes that as instruction to pull up the show on the TV. Kara and Lena are on the couch and they’ve started the first episode—”You Can’t Fix Ugly”—by the time Maggie walks in, freshly showered and wearing sweats with an NCPD t-shirt, and joins Sam in the kitchen.

Sam and Maggie decide to make a pasta dish, and Lena gets up halfway through the episode to help; it _is_ her house, after all, and if there’s one thing Lillian taught her, it’s how to be a good hostess. While Maggie and Sam cook pasta and some sort of sauce, Lena makes a salad, chopping pecans and grapes and tossing the whole thing with olive oil and some (entirely too expensive) balsamic vinegar.

Sam calls the others into the kitchen when the food’s done, and Lena passes out cans of La Croix—grapefruit—and utensils. The food smells delicious, and Lena scoops some pasta on her plate, hesitates, and doesn’t add more.

“Not enough, Lena,” Sam says before Lena can even move away from the pasta. Lena’s face burns and she lets out an embarrassed sigh, but she adds more pasta to her plate without comment. None of the others say anything, though Lena’s positive they all heard, except for Maggie, who gives her an faux-incredulously offended look when she turns around.

“What, so you’re not weird about _her_ doing that?” she asks. Lena laughs, rolling her eyes despite the blush still darkening her cheeks.

“Believe me,” she says, “it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. _Sam_ just doesn’t care.” The last part she says with an accusatory glare directed at said woman, to which Sam only shrugs. The whole thing makes Maggie laugh, and Lena feels strangely okay with the entire exchange. Besides, Kara kisses her cheek on their way back to the couch, so Lena’s not sure she could be all that upset about anything right now.

They spend the night watching four episodes of _Queer Eye_ , and they finish the first season the next day after more swimming, walking along the beach, sex (for four of them, at least), food, and _Heathers_ , which Maggie is shocked to learn Lena adores.

It’s close to midnight when they get back, but no one’s complaining, and Lena is incredibly willing to admit that the mini-vacation was exceedingly wonderful _and_ relaxing, even with everyone finding out about her suicide attempt. (Actually, it’s sort of therapeutic for people to know, and, speaking of therapy, her therapist is going to be very proud of her.)

Kara sleeps at her apartment that night, and Lena spends a fair amount of her time as she’s falling asleep thinking about asking Kara to move in with her—not right now, but someday in the near future. She thinks about the way her life has changed in the past year, and how she never thought she would have this wonderful relationship or these amazing friends, especially not after all the shit with Lex and her mother went down.

She thinks, too, about what it would be like to host game nights here, at her apartment, with Kara by her side and her furniture in Lena’s living room, their friends yelling about Taboo and watching bad movies. It’s a nice thought, and one that will become her reality soon enough.


End file.
